You left. Is it weird that I call you dad even though you didn’t raise me? Sometimes I look at my own children and I don’t know how you could leave. I am not upset. I don’t remember ever feeling upset. I was young. I am thankful I had a good life. A great life.
Sometimes I wonder how I would feel if life had been difficult.
My children are loved without you as a grandpa. They are happy, joyous, carefree. But I wonder how much more they would be loved with you here.
I don’t picture how life would have been if you hadn’t left. I don’t carry bitterness or unforgiveness or wish to settle some score. Do you carry guilt, fear, dread over leaving? I don’t feel the pain of abandonment or neglect. I was raised by two, wonderful parents. I didn’t miss you. I don’t say that to hurt you but only to tell you I am ok.
I do wonder what you would have brought to my life.
In some ways you remain a silent mysterious figure in my life appearing at key moments: graduation, my wedding. A figure at arms reach but never fully revealed. I think of you on Father’s Day and your birthday but don’t reach out. Do you think of me?
I am reminded that Christ can heal the past. He wipes the slate clean for us again and again. Against human nature he has filled me with love for you and protected my heart from pain.
I don’t know if you ever wish you could find a place in our lives. I don’t know what it would look like if you did. I wish you the best in your life and know that while my life doesn’t change without you it could change for the better with you.
Just so you know – You are welcome here.