It started slowly – that feeling that a rough week was ahead. Approaching was the 5-year anniversary of my best friend passing away. I began feeling more anxious, more on edge and more emotional about everything. At first I couldn’t quite understand exactly what the emotions were running through my body. Was I stressed about work or something else that I needed to reflect on? Was mom guilt getting the best of me as it does from time to time? I was unfocused and couldn’t get on track.
And then it happened.
I did the one thing I had been avoiding ever since these feelings started occupying my body. I let myself think about her. But not in the way I do on a daily basis, which tend to be fun memories that will hit me when something reminds me of her. I mean, really think about her and the pain that I am still feeling 5-years later.
And then it happened.
The tears hit. The anger hit. The memories of our childhood, teen years and young adulthood flooded back. Remembering her and I running around in our Catholic school uniforms, remembering her standing beside me as my maid of honor as I married my husband, remembering her confusion as we both tried to figure out how the heck a breast pump worked soon after my son was born. I let myself cry. No, I let myself sob. Tears I didn’t know I had. Anger I never realized was there. Pain I thought I had “dealt with” five years ago.
And then it didn’t happen.
I didn’t feel totally better. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted (Matthew 5:4). Well, it wasn’t working for me, I told myself as I slumped into a mode that was foreign to my normally upbeat and energetic personality.
And then I did something.
I let myself feel how I was feeling. I didn’t try to hide it or push it down. This made for some tears in some awkward settings but I knew I had to just get it out. I allowed my emotions to take me down into a place I had never been.
I started coming out of my slump. It was honestly without my control. I truly believe that God picked me up.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18)
I am not here to say that a simple Bible verse suddenly lifted me up (though sometimes it can). I still have steps that I need to take such as a talking to a grief counselor. But I am taking it a day at a time. I am waking up feeling good about not wanting to live in a dark hole like I was when my grief was hitting. I owe it to myself and my family to continue taking steps to ensure I am doing ok.
Here at All Mom Does, we know life is not always easy. We are a community of REAL moms and want to help lift people up, even through dark times. We are glad you are here with us on this journey!
Resources for Help:
Learn about grief myths vs. facts, and the difference between grief and depression.
Check out these recommended readings to help deal with grief.
Find a GriefShare support group here.