In speaking with a sweet friend today I was remembering a time when life really hurt. There have actually been many times, but this one in particular changed my life.
This was to be the first of our second group of kids, I had had C-sections with the other 2 and now 16 years later I was eagerly awaiting the birth of our son. I was thrilled to be having a V-Back.
After 16 years God had spoken to both my husband’s heart and mine about having more children. God had provided the funds needed for a Tubal Reversal AND I had become pregnant two months after my surgery. (My tubes had been tied for 16 years!)
I had been reading an amazing book on natural childbirth and had all my best laid plans in place. My heart rejoiced at the excitement of this new arrival and I was ready…ready for birth.
Unfortunately the best laid out plans don’t always go as planned. My Mom died of Cancer a month before her first Grandson was to be born. I thought for sure she would see him, but her health suddenly took a turn for the worse…and she was gone.
There is no choice but to move forward when you are pregnant because time simply does not stand still, does it?! So onward I marched…my due date came and went, it was almost 3 weeks past.
I so wanted a natural childbirth and natural I did. I will spare you the gory details but I will tell you this much, I was in labor for 48 hours and ended up with a forceps birth. It wasn’t pretty.
I was in the hospital for a week after my son’s birth and bed ridden pretty much for the next TWO months. I could not even turn over by myself.
The physical pain was excruciating, but you know what was worse? I felt abandoned! I felt truly abandoned by God even though I felt like I was doing what he wanted.
I was hurt, angry, confused and downright MAD!
My faith began to falter as I doubted His word and doubted His faithfulness toward me. I doubted that He was even a good Father to His own son! Why did Jesus have to suffer so?!
One day my Pastor’s wife came to visit me, she had been at the birth so she knew exactly what I had been through. She was a very Godly woman and I respected her a lot. When she asked me how I was doing, I hesitated and then spilled my heart out to her.
I told her how MAD I was at God and how I doubted His love and His word. When I was done sharing all that was within my heart, she took my hand and gently said “you just go ahead and be mad at God, He can take it. I would be mad if I were you too.”
I really couldn’t believe my ears! I had so much peace hearing this from her.
So I spent the next few days really having it out with God. And there are a few of the things he spoke to my heart.
1. Because I was breastfeeding, I took no pain meds and was in excruciating physical pain. I felt so alone. I started to feel as if I was understanding the suffering of Jesus.
“ For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.”
“About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”).
2. I had to come face to face with God and my own faith. I either believed every word of the Bible. Or I didn’t. That would mean a belief that God is for me and not against me. My faith was put to the test.
3. I came to realize that Jesus was not forced upon a cross by the Father…no he did it for the love of us.
“And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!”
Would I humble myself and trust the Father as Jesus did? Even in the most excruciating and hardest circumstances?
I can tell you that as hard as those days were…I needed to bow before the Father and trust, humble and submit my whole being to Him. To believe that every word in the Bible is true. I would not change the circumstances that brought me to a deeper walk with God.
Life can be hard and God knows it. If you are hurting today, I pray you would cry out to God…He can take it!