Have you ever found yourself in serious spiritual dry spell?
I sure have. In fact, I was just in one.
Months went by of me reading my bible but without engaging with what I was reading. I would pray over meals with my kiddos, pray over their bedtime, and occasionally yell out to Jesus in a moment of frustration. I would go to church and take my notes, but rarely think again on what I learned.
I was stuck in a self-imposed desert.
It’s amazing what the illusion of self-sufficiency does to our spiritual lives. One day, we make it through pretty much unscathed on our own, without having to rely much on God. It feels easy. It seems convenient. The next day is the same, and the next. And by the time a hard day pops up, we’ve all but forgotten how to reach our hands and hearts up to the One who can guide us. Stuck in the survival mode rut, we keep pedaling because we think it’s all that we can do.
This is where I found myself recently. I felt myself longing for a vibrant relationship with my Father again, but felt ill-equipped to get there. I felt stagnant and stuffy, completely and utterly uncomfortable any time I tried to talk to Him.
One evening, after having dinner with some friends of ours, I was sitting talking with my husband and I split wide open. Suddenly the tears were falling and I didn’t know how to stop them.
I was missing God so much. I knew He was right there but I had no idea how to reach out to Him. Surrender felt vulnerable and uncomfortable, and I’d been playing it safe for so long. I was entangled in the lie that I could do it all on my own.
I found myself pouring out these words amidst my tears…
“I miss being that broken girl.”
The broken girl, who walked fearfully into a church for an evening young adults’ group and walked out having encountered Jesus. The broken girl, who found herself desperate for His word and hungry for the truth. The broken girl, who continued to mess up and make mistakes, but finally had a view of her real need for a Savior.
When we’re in that desperate and broken place, it’s a lot easier to see our need for God. But when life smooths out and we’re just walking through the day to day, it becomes routine to just “take care of business.” And that’s a dangerous place to tread.
A friend of mine shared it like this: are we making ourselves the god of our days, or are we putting God on the throne and letting Him rule our days?
All this to say, I’ve found myself in a place where I long to be desperate for Him. I don’t want to have it all together. I don’t want to do the day-to-day on my own. I want Him to be God, not me.
I’d rather be broken for Him, than trying to be whole on my own. And maybe, you’d rather be broken, too.