It Feels Good to Say No: How Boundaries Build a Better You

I used to be a “yes person”. I would jump at the chance to lead projects at work, I volunteered my little heart out at events for my kid’s school, and I would attend all the social things we were invited to as a family.

When I was in the thick of this way of life, I honestly didn’t think about it in any negative way. I guess that means it must have worked for me at the time. Maybe it was the fact that I was younger and had more energy or that my kids were younger and I always wanted to be present in the classroom when the opportunity arose. I was also at that point in my career where I knew gaining any experience I could, would suit me best for my future.

I have no regrets. When I look back, I am actually quite impressed with the huge capacity for life I somehow managed to operate under for years. I took it right to the limit; I remember some near breakdown moments. But overall, I managed to keep my cool and continue saying yes and taking things on constantly.

Slowly but surely, being a “yes person” eventually started to become exhausting. It really was slow and not all of a sudden me waking up and deciding I would say no to things. I can’t exactly tell where it began to change but I can tell you that current state of me is drastically different than the me even five years ago.

A recent event really got me thinking how good it feels to just say no.

Like most families, the last day of school was sort of a whirlwind. I took a half day off work so I could make an elaborate breakfast for my kids and not have to rush into the office as early as I usually do. Fun fact, my kids ended up eating donuts that my husband bought so that was the extend of elaborate for that particular morning.

It was a busy day and also a Friday and while I was so excited for my kids and their last day, at the core of everything I was just plain tired.

One of my school mom friends was hosting a party after school that day for kids and families. It was amazingly generous of them to open up their home to dozens of people as a way to kick off the summer. My daughter really wanted to go so I had RSVP’d yes for my husband and daughter.

I remained a maybe because my son had swim practice and plans afterwards with friends, so I needed to be able to get him where he needed to go.

Now, years ago I would have made it all work. I would have bent over backwards to get my son places while somehow also attending the party and probably also volunteering to bring a homemade appetizer and facilitating some game at the party.

But I didn’t do that.

I think in the back of my head I knew it would be a lot to do it all and that I really had no desire to do so. Part of me thought maybe I would get wild hair like the old days and be in two places almost at once.

But I didn’t.

Instead, I fully committed to “divide and conquer” where my husband takes one kid and I take the other and we conquer what they need to do. My daughter was perfectly happy at her party, and I didn’t feel a need to micromanage that or to make myself feel guilty for not going.

I drove my son around where he needed to go and eventually committed to not attending the party.

It felt so good to say no.

I settled into my evening and got things done to set up our weekend for success. Things like catching up on laundry. It was exactly what I needed, and it felt so good to say no.

I would have had fun at the party, and I did miss out on seeing families from school and celebrating the start of summer. But I knew that it was just too much and that saying yes would not feel good; but saying no sure would.

Mom, if you are struggling with where to say no life, give yourself the grace to try it out. You can start small, and it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You don’t have to be a “yes person” or a “no person”. You can simply be a person who sets appropriate boundaries and knows your limits.