When my husband and I were expecting our first son, we were given a fair amount of advice. Some of it was helpful, some of it wasn’t, and it turns out that some of it was just unrealistic. One of the things that came up often in the beginning of our parenthood journey was the topic of date-nights. When people would say things like, “Schedule regular date nights, your marriage will depend on it!”, or “When you go out to dinner, make sure you don’t talk about the kids!” These “rules” seemed to make sense at the time. I see why couples would emphasize the need to make time for each other once children enter the picture. The part I’ve always had trouble with when it comes to the date-night plan, is what are you and your husband supposed to do when those aren’t really an option?
If you find yourself in that predicament, you know there can be a lot of different reasons for it. Depending on your situation, you might not have the finances to be able to afford both a babysitter and a date-night. Maybe you aren’t comfortable with a babysitter and don’t have family nearby who can watch your little ones. My husband and I haven’t had the most consistent childcare over the years. Our parents have mostly worked full-time since we first had children and they also didn’t live close enough to pop over while we went out to dinner without it being a big inconvenience. There have been a lot of contributing factors for us, but ultimately, we had to figure out how to function in our relationship fairly early-on without the expectation of date-nights. Sure, they happen a few times a year and on occasion we have a few nights away for a short trip together. However, they’re not a part of our usual routine-and we are ok with that!
I’m not a marriage expert, but I do know there is a difference between being in a rut and being content with the stage you’re in as a couple. The important thing isn’t how many trips you go on and how many candle-lit dinners you have, but it’s easy to feel that all of that matters and to be disappointed when it doesn’t happen as often as you’d like. In the day and age of having a front-row seat to everyone’s lives, it can be harder than ever not to compare your situation to the glimpses you see on social media and to allow it to make you feel like you’re not doing enough.
I know people mean well when they say not to talk about the kids on date-night. They have good intentions and are implying the kids shouldn’t be the only topic of conversation, but to me it feels weird not to talk about them at all-especially when we have so few opportunities to be alone and unrushed. I’m a stay-at-home mom, and for now, our kids are my whole world! Day in and day out, I spend almost every waking moment either with my children or doing things that revolve around my children and family. Forget the waking moments, even my sleeping moments are often interrupted by one of our kids! That does not mean I don’t have other interests, not even close, but they are my full-time job and then some. I wouldn’t have it any other way, and with four kids between the ages of three and fourteen, being out with my husband seems like an ideal opportunity to finally have an uninterrupted conversation! Whether it’s something really important we’ve been needing to discuss about one of our kids, or just light-hearted reflection of the chaos in our home and the unique qualities we see in our boys, we talk about them often. Even though we have many other topics of conversation, I feel no concerns whatsoever when the topic lands on our kids.
When it comes to classic date-nights, those just don’t really work for us right now. I don’t feel bad about that or wish that things were different. The thing is that even the times we do have childcare, staying up late when we’re sleep-deprived and know we’ll still be up early doesn’t sound very enjoyable. Coordinating to have four kids watched, fed, and the bedtime routine done for little ones is exhausting!
When we do have the chance to have our kids watched, we’ve realized we can enjoy it much more when we go out to lunch versus dinner. There isn’t as much pressure to get back by a certain time which is a huge bonus when you have kids that are always up at the crack of dawn! I’m not saying date-nights are a bad thing, just that for those who can’t make those happen often (or maybe it’s just not their cup of tea) there are many meaningful alternatives.
Spending time together is so important, but don’t stress if that doesn’t look like a fancy night out. I appreciate whenever we have the opportunity to go out, but what I enjoy even more are the times we can go on a walk together. I find it to be even more refreshing and special. When going out just the two of us isn’t an option, we almost always make it a point spend our evenings together before heading to bed. Even if that ends up being for twenty minutes once all the kids are finally in their rooms and we’re just loading the dishwasher while we talk or watching a few minutes of an old sitcom we’ve seen three times and still find funny.
I have a whole list of trips I’d love to take, places I want to see, and restaurants to try. I’m not worried about making those things happen right now and hopefully they’ll come in good time, but until then we’re just enjoying our family and being home a lot. We’re not settling for less, instead feel settled and content with where we’re at and the goodness around us. Of course, it’s not perfect and sometimes that “goodness” includes a LOT of crazy. Every day here is an adventure. With or without formal date-nights, I love having my husband by my side for it all.
How do date-nights go for you and your spouse? How do you manage when they just aren’t in the cards? Whether they’ve been a staple in your marriage or they’re few and far between, try to forget about the “rules” and focus on what actually works best for your marriage and your family. The number of picture-perfect dates on your calendar are not an indicator of how joy-filled your marriage is. They’re nice, but they’re not everything! No matter what your situation looks like right now, I hope you’ll be encouraged to find contentment in the stage you’re in.
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”-Ephesians 4:2-3
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Read more of Maria’s contributions to AllMomDoes here.
