Making Friends Later in Life (When It Used to Be So Easy)

No one really tells you that making friends in your late 30’s and early 40’s can feel… complicated.

In your twenties, friendship happens almost by accident. You live near each other. You work side by side. You say yes to spontaneous dinners because your schedule is still flexible and your energy stretches further.

But then life grows up.

You get married. Careers solidify. People scatter to different cities. Children enter the picture — sometimes earlier, sometimes later. Calendars fill. Evenings shrink. Energy becomes a limited resource.

And suddenly, building friendship feels less like falling into it and more like intentionally climbing toward it.

I’ve felt this deeply over the past several years.

I’ve moved twice in my adult life. Twice, I’ve packed up not just boxes, but familiarity. Twice, I’ve left behind the people who knew my rhythms, my stories, my quirks. And each time, I’ve found myself standing in a new place thinking, Okay, Lord… here we go again.

On top of that, I became a mother later in life. While many women my age already had established school communities and long-standing mom friendships, I was stepping into motherhood with women who had been doing this for years. I felt both grateful and behind. Joyful and out of sync.

And nothing makes you realize your need for community like motherhood.

You crave someone to text when you’re unsure.
Someone to laugh with about the chaos.
Someone who understands why you’re tired in your bones.

I didn’t just want friends. I needed them.

And yet — making them required courage I wasn’t sure I still had.

That’s when I look at Penny.

Children do not overthink friendship. They don’t analyze compatibility. They don’t scroll someone’s life before deciding if they align.

The other day at the playground, Penny spotted a little girl standing near the slide. Without hesitation, she walked straight up to her and announced, “Hey, look at my cool red shoes. They make me run fast. Do you want to be friends?” to which the little girl exclaimed “Okay!”

No pause for approval. No fear of rejection. She just assumed connection was possible.

Within minutes, they were racing across the playground like lifelong companions.

I stood there smiling — and also realizing how much braver children are than adults.

When did we start believing friendship had to be so complicated?

In our late 30’s and early 40’s, we carry more history. We’ve been hurt before. We’ve outgrown friendships. We’ve been the one who moved away or the one who was left behind. We have responsibilities tugging at every hour of the day.

It’s easier to stay home.
It’s safer not to try.
It’s simpler to say, “I’m just busy.”

But Scripture reminds us that we were never meant to do life in isolation.

Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 says, “Two are better than one… If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” God designed us for companionship. Even Jesus surrounded Himself with close friends. Community is not optional for a thriving soul — it’s foundational.

So how do we build it when we’re no longer on the playground?

Here are a few ways I’ve learned — often by stepping outside my comfort zone:

Put yourself in consistent spaces.
Join a Bible study. Volunteer at church. Attend the same workout class each week. Sit in the same general area at school pickup. Familiarity breeds connection. The first time may feel awkward. The second might too. But consistency softens the edges.

Hebrews 10:24–25 reminds us, “Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together…” Showing up matters.

Be the one who initiates.
This one stretches me. After a good conversation, send the text. Extend the invitation. “I loved chatting — would you like to grab coffee?” It feels vulnerable because it is vulnerable. But someone has to take the first step. Why not you?

Proverbs 18:24 says, “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Deep friendship begins with simple faithfulness.

Invite people into your real life.
Your house doesn’t have to be perfect. Your life doesn’t have to be polished. Some of the best connections happen over messy kitchens and loud children. Invite another mom to join you at the park. Ask a neighbor to walk in the evenings. Let them see the honest version of your life.
Embrace that different friends serve different purposes.
Not every friend will be your deepest confidant. Some are for prayer. Some are for business ideas. Some are for laughing at 9 p.m. when you’re both too tired to function. That’s not shallow — that’s layered. Even Jesus had the twelve, and within them, a closer three.

One of the hardest lessons for me after moving twice has been accepting that friendship may look different in each season. Some friends stay connected across states. Others are gifts for a specific chapter. Both are blessings.

Psalm 68:6 says, “God sets the lonely in families.” Sometimes that family is the one you’re born into. Sometimes it’s the one God gently builds around you when you’re brave enough to step forward.

Making friends in your late 30’s and early 40’s may not be as effortless as it once was. It requires intention. It requires humility. It requires walking into rooms where you don’t yet belong and trusting that you might.

But maybe we can learn from our children.

Maybe friendship can begin with something simple.
“Hey, I like your shoes.”
“Hey, I’m new here.”
“Hey, would you like to grab coffee?”

And just like that, something new begins.

It may not happen in minutes like it does on the playground. It may take months of shared conversations and small steps. But the God who calls us into community is faithful to meet us there.

Sometimes we just have to lace up our cool red shoes, run a little faster than our fear, and ask.

Do you want to be friends?

Okay!