There are many opinions out there about raising boys. Some say that boys are harder to handle when they’re younger but are easier than girls when they’re teenagers. There are others that would have you believing that teenage boys and their moms have very distant and difficult relationships. Which one is it? What are we supposed to think about being “boy moms” and what are the right answers? What is the secret to raising boys?!
“Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
My boys are now three, seven, twelve, and fourteen. With the many ages and stages that they are in, I can say with absolute certainty that there is not one end-all be-all answer to those questions. What I can tell you, is that it’s possible to shut out the world’s opinions about raising boys, and to focus on God’s plan for your son and for your invaluable role as his mother. The truth is, God wired men and women differently, each with our own strengths and weaknesses. We can trust in God’s design and be confident while we raise these boys to one day become great men. That’s the goal. That our sons will grow up to be kind, honest, strong, confident, courageous, and wise men of faith. (Deuteronomy 31:6) That they will be good husbands, fathers, and friends. That they will trust God to be their rock and foundation.
I haven’t finished raising my sons, not even close. I don’t have all the answers, but I have learned a lot about boys in the last fourteen and a half years! I also refuse to believe the lie that moms and their teenage sons can’t be close or maintain a healthy relationship. There are challenges, ups and downs, and a lot of new dynamics to navigate. As you try to nurture your mother-son relationships, here are a few things to keep in mind:
When your boys are very little, they just need you. They need you to keep them safe, to comfort them, and to nurture them.
When they’re young boys, they still rely on your comfort and the safety of your arms. They need you to celebrate their accomplishments, to give them courage to face the big new world they’re experiencing, to cheer for them and fight for them. They don’t need you to like everything they like, but they need you to live in their world sometimes. Laugh with them and play with them, let them mix the dough even if it’s going to be more of a mess. Let them run off the path sometimes to look for dragons and trolls, let them run through the creek even if you don’t have a change of clothes. Read the same monster truck book five times a night, admire their LEGO builds, listen to their hopes and dreams.
Try to be patient and remember they’re learning. Stop and consider your expectations sometimes when you aren’t sure how to approach their behavior. Are you expecting too much for the age? Too little?
Around the time your son reaches double digits or even before then, he might signal to you that he is ready for certain things to come to an end. Nicknames, reading him stories, waving good-bye at school, singing a song at night. It might sting when certain stages come to an end, but it’s about when he is ready and not when we are.
When you’re losing your mind(no matter what age your son is!) try your hardest to be an example of how to calm down when you’re stressed. Showing him tools that he can apply to his own life is invaluable. Whether it’s a deep breath, saying you need a minute alone to calm down, explaining you got overwhelmed and need to make some changes to your day, or all of the above. Be quick to apologize and ask for forgiveness, pray out loud if you need to so he can see firsthand how you rely on God’s strength to turn it around.
Be consistent. At every age, knowing where their mom stands is essential. Our sons need to understand our expectations and know that we mean what we say. They need to know there are consequences for certain actions, that they can trust us to be a stable figure in their lives, and that we will stand firm in our beliefs and standards even when they push as hard as they can against us.
Show them that they can trust you by listening from a young age. Whether they’re four and going on and on about a toy at preschool, ten and recounting every excruciating detail of a chapter book they read, or fourteen and telling you about a specific type of shoe they like, listening matters. If they trust you with the little things, there’s a good chance they’ll trust you when it comes to the bigger things. Knowing you’re available to them makes a world of difference. Put your phone down when they’re talking if you can, turn off any distractions, and show them they are your priority.
By the time they’re teenagers, they need to know that you aren’t pouring out their life on social media without their permission or sharing certain stories or information about them with your friends and family. They are less likely to keep things from you if they know you are a safe space and that you’ve checked with them first before you share something. This goes both ways, and they need to know you have to be able to trust them as well. Being accountable online, in their social circles, and in the classroom is vital in having a healthy trust established.
Understand that boys are wired differently than we are. We shouldn’t squash their tendencies or shame them for being competitive, physical, or loud. Teaching them to harness those things and to use them in a healthy way is far more effective than telling them they need to be different.
Don’t interrogate or berate them when you can tell something is bothering them and they don’t want to share. This is a hard one for moms! We know our boys, we want to help, and we can usually tell when things are off. As badly as we want to know what the problem is, our older boys in particular just need to know that we are there for them when they are ready.
Show them you care and that you actually LIKE them, not just love them. Laugh with your teenage son when you can, even if their humor misses the mark sometimes or you think their comment is absurd. Resist rolling your eyes. Grab their favorite snacks once in a while just because, or let them choose the music in the car sometimes even if it’s the last thing you want to hear.
Let them know it’s ok to be mad or frustrated, but not ok to be mean or disrespectful. Sharing their feelings doesn’t tend to come as naturally for boys as it does for girls. I often tell my sons when they are upset and getting to that point of overwhelm or disrespect, that if they need to take a break that’s ok. Even though I am a “fix it right now and move forward” type of person and it pains me to have something unresolved, I have learned that pushing it doesn’t typically help the situation. Circling back around when things have cooled off tends to yield more fruitful results. Even when they’re very young, “taking a break” in their room for a few minutes can do wonders.
Teach them that being sensitive doesn’t mean they aren’t strong. I try to take any opportunity I can to show my sons that being sensitive to other people’s feelings is so important. Reminding them of that perspective, especially when it comes to girls and women, will hopefully help them in their future relationships. Sure, I get lots of eye-rolls when I tell them how a girl would perceive the comment they just made, but hopefully it will stick with them and my words will pop into their heads at the right time someday.
Never stop praying. (1 Thessalonians 5:17) Pray for your relationship, pray for your son to be strong and courageous, pray that he will be an example of God’s love and kindness, and pray for understanding and wisdom to be the guide that he needs. Pray that you’ll be able to let go at the appropriate times and know your place in your son’s life.
“The prayers we weave into the matching of socks, the stirring of oatmeal, the reading of stories, they survive fire.”-Ann Voskamp
I’m surrounded and outnumbered. My home is all boys all the time. It’s full to the brim of chaos and competition. It’s wild, wonderful, and without a doubt the most beautiful mess I’ve ever beheld. One minute they’re in a wrestling match on the couch that I’ve straightened up at least ten times that day, and the next they’re snatching up flowers from around the neighborhood that they wanted me to have. They are the loudest, sweetest, most unique human beings I know. Raising boys is tough, there is no question. It’s a huge responsibility to grow them into honorable men, but knowing that God made me their mother and entrusted them to me gives me such peace.
What are your tips for raising boys? What struggles have you faced and what victories have you had? Trust God’s judgement, trust that he knew what he was doing when he made you the mother of your son. Even in the most desperate, infuriating, baffling moments with our sons, God gives us hope and encourages us to keep going. Stay the course, and trust that you can be the mom your son needs you to be.
“Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They will not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies at the gate.” Psalm 127:3-5
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Read more of Maria’s contributions to AllMomDoes here.
