Staying Soft in Survival Mode

I was not familiar with the term “bomb cyclone” before this year. I’m still not quite sure of all the atmospheric things that came together to make it happen, but I sure know what one looks like, as one of the many Pacific Northwesters who saw it happen right outside our windows this fall.

Sometime that night, as we watched branches fly and trees fall, my body took on a tension that lasted for days–and not just the 5 days that our power was out. (Some of our friends lost power for even longer!)

I found myself rigid, sharp, hard, and ready to react to whatever changes in plan were thrown our way. It felt like a huge weight was on me to roll with the punches and take on all the family’s stress so my kids would be cared for without sensing it.

The sharpness sunk into my mind, too. I was making snap reactions towards my family. The smallest acts of kindness or meanness from others made me burst into tears.

Survival mode is no way to live. But that’s where I landed as we navigated losing our resources for several days.

All that time, God kept putting on my heart the word “soften,” which seemed ridiculous. This was a time to be tough, focused, and ready to fight. To soften would mean letting my guard down, being vulnerable, and letting myself feel the feelings. There just wasn’t time for that. Right?

But resilience isn’t just steely. It’s a mixture of strength and softness.

The truth is, we’re not meant to carry the weight of this world. We can’t. Our neediness and our lack are part of what makes us human. To resist the vulnerability of needing help, and try to take everything on ourselves leads to a tension that eventually makes us snap.

But softness allows us to bend without breaking. (Or sometimes to gently heal when breaks happen.) Softness keeps us connected with God and others so that we don’t become isolated and discouraged. Softness allows us to release what we’re holding, even for a short while, so it doesn’t overwhelm us.

This time of year can range from slightly busy to completely chaotic. I’m not sure what kind of tension you may be holding, whether from stress or grief.

How can we possibly seek softness in this season?

Let me tell you from personal experience. Here are some ways that helped me stay soft even in survival mode.

Be aware of and open about your needs.

Surely we know that at the end of the day, no one can do life alone. Everyone could use help with something. And most of us wouldn’t think twice about sharing what we have with a friend in need.

But when it comes to what we lack, we can often put up defenses, doing it all on our own without missing a beat.

I’ll try to break this gently: there’s no award for that. So what are we trying to achieve?

One of the ways God shows up for us is by putting people in our lives to care for us when we’re in need (and giving us the opportunity to do the same for others when we can).

Ask for help. Accept the help. Say yes. Appreciate those who care about you.

Look for the glimmers.

In the middle of house hopping and figuring out how to keep the kids entertained, everything felt like bad news after bad news. Every time we checked back home and the lights weren’t on, every time school was canceled again, it felt devastating. We were tired. We were frantically trying to figure out solutions. And nothing was looking up.

But in reality, everything was not bad. Friends and family offered us their homes to rest and visit. We were able to eat out when we couldn’t cook. We were safe from the storm.

Staying soft means not shutting out the positive to solely focus on the negative. We can’t survive if we believe everything is against us. Hold on to the good gifts–the ones that come “down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17 NIV). This is your resistance to freezing out hope and faith, and practicing looking for the good actually makes you stronger.

Let go of rigid expectations.

The term “impossible standards” resonates with me, because I know how much I hold myself to them. I demand of myself expectations I’d never ask of someone else–to be self-sufficient (see above), pulled together, available for other people however needed, and all with a smile on my face. It’s maddening.

What if we released those expectations just a little bit? That might be as simple as loosening the tension in your shoulders or back, letting yourself sleep instead of worrying all night, not replaying a conversation over and over in your mind, or even just reminding yourself to breathe deeply.

We can also say no a little more–maybe let go of perfection as a standard and settle for “the best you can”. Maybe we can let someone else take the lead.

In this or any busy season, chances are you can afford to step back if you need. Don’t overcommit yourself if life is already frantic. When you feel like you have a little more to give, stand in for someone else. We are made to work together in the ebb and flow of life.

Call your emotions what they are.

Consider this your permission slip: It’s okay to feel the feelings. It’s okay to say that this is a hard time, and not try to downplay the difficulty or minimize the pain.

Have you ever tried on a sweater or a jacket that was too tight? You can feel yourself stuffed to the brim. It’s hard to move or bend. You can’t relax. The same goes for stuffed emotions. Stuffing feelings leads to explosions, while releasing them little by little brings back a healthy balance.

I’m still learning that emotions aren’t good or bad. They are tools to let us know what we need, and to help us find health and wellbeing. Be sure to call them by their name and treat them with curiosity, not judgment.

Life throws us into circumstances that have us resorting to survival mode, but it’s no way to live long-term. Choose softness over tension by inviting others in, releasing what’s too much to carry, finding the good, and being honest about our emotions. And always remember that you’re never alone in your struggle—God walks with you.