It was exactly a year ago when I let my oldest child – nine years old at the time – ride his bike to school by himself for the first time. It was the last day of his third-grade year, and he’d been begging me for the privilege for months. A little over a mile from our house to the school, it’s not a long trek – but it’s not exactly a quick jaunt, either.
I’ll admit that after the bell rang I hopped in my car and drove to the school to make sure his bike was in the rack and that he’d made it successfully. I never told him that, though. Some illusions are best left unshattered.
This year, my boy turned ten. And since his birthday it’s been a slow but intentional release of the reins, allowing him to explore his independence and live life apart from us. And he’s not simply enjoying the illusion of independence like he did on that last day of school. He’s having to actually be responsible for himself, knowing that I’m not available to step in at a moment’s notice. Because I’m not constantly checking on him anymore, either.
He takes his bike to school on his own every day. I give him permission to meet his friends at the park afterward and come home late if he’d like. We drop him off to watch games at the local ball field and he walks home alone afterward.
No, he doesn’t have a cell phone.
And yes, I anxiously await his return every day, my mind racing with all the “what-ifs” as I watch the minutes tick by on the clock.
It’s an intentional (albeit anxiety-inducing) act of trust and faith, knowing that living life without the ability to remain in constant contact with us is necessary to build his independence, self-confidence, and decision-making skills.
As parents, we understand that we need to give our kids the ability to be independent. It starts early. But as kids get older it becomes different from the independence we doled out to them as toddlers as a way to avoid tantrums and power struggles. It’s no longer the low-stakes game of allowing your two-year-old to feed themselves soup or letting your four-year-old dress themselves in a crazy outfit for preschool.
At some point it involves releasing the iron grip we have on their safety and refusing to believe the lies that our children are in constant danger.
The stakes are high – but not for the reasons you might think. Kids who have constant access to their parents tend to rely on them heavily in decision-making, even if the parent is just there to talk things through and the child still makes the ultimate decision. It turns out that this process actually degrades the child’s overall confidence in making truly independent decisions over the long haul, which is a critical life skill for a successful adulthood. The parent becomes an unintentional crutch that the child comes to rely upon over the long term, even if the parents aren’t the ones making the decision.
It’s funny – as parents, we work so hard to instill character and responsibility in our kids. But this is one area where we seem to be failing. The reason? Because these are lessons that CANNOT be taught under 100% safe circumstances. And in our culture we have come to value safety above all else – which is understandable because naturally, we want to keep our kids safe.
But for their own good and their own growth we have to release them. We have to put their long-term development and maturity at a higher priority than their short-term safety, and stop living in constant fear of a threat that isn’t as real as the media would lead us to believe.
That doesn’t mean we’re reckless. It doesn’t mean we ignore legitimate risks. But it does mean we evaluate our fears in light of real facts instead of holding our children so close because that’s what feels easiest. It may be easiest for us, but it’s not what’s best for our kids.
So try, mama. Give your older child a little more length on their rope. A little bit at a time. It doesn’t have to happen all at once. But in my home, age 10 has become the year of independence for my son.
And in many ways, for me, too.
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