When Exhaustion Becomes a Path to Healing

Have you ever been so tired that you can barely make it through the day? And that continues for days, weeks, months and even years?

That’s where I’ve been caught for the last few years.

There really is no word in the English language that describes the level of “tired” I’ve been living with. “Tired” is too wimpy of a word. “Exhausted” comes closer. But it still doesn’t quite do the job. I need a word that means: “so exhausted you cannot function, you feel like you’re sludging through quicksand, and you have no choice but to crash into bed”.

My whole life had become planned around how exhausted I was. All my appointments were planned for mornings; all my errands were done before noon and lunches or coffee with friends were planned for 11am.

I could pretend to function for a bit in the mornings, but by 1pm (sometimes noon) I crashed and crashed hard. A nap wasn’t a choice; it was a must. I would lay down and sleep hard for 3-4 hours and when I woke up, I was still so tired that I struggled to make dinner and then sit in my chair until bedtime.

The exhaustion affected my physical body as well. Like the chicken and the egg, it was hard to know which came first. Did my physical issues cause the exhaustion or had the constant level of tiredness caused the physical symptoms? All I knew was that my blood sugar was constantly high and none of my doctors or medications made a difference. No diets, no new way of eating, nothing would change the high blood sugar numbers.

I had already tried all kinds of doctors, nutritionists, naturopaths, and specialists but diabetes still ruled my life without any signs of improvement. A friend recommended a registered dietitian who specializes in diabetic patients (he’s diabetic himself). I finally signed up for a session with him.

I am a guilt sponge, and I expected to get yelled at. I was fully convinced that I must have done something to cause my body to be so sick. Maybe I was eating wrong, eating too much, not moving enough, or some other thing that was my fault. I even thought that God was angry with me and my broken body was part of my punishment.

I geared myself up to “take my lumps” and get a good scolding from this new guy.

So, I was shocked at the direction our session took. He was kind and asked lots of questions about me and my life. He listened without prejudice or blame and his suggestions to me were surprising.

The first bit of advice he gave me was to go outside first thing every morning to soak up UV light for 5-10 minutes. I wondered what that had to do with an exhausted body. It turns out that early morning light (even on cloudy days) jumpstarts a hormone that, for one thing, regulates blood sugar.

Next, I was told to relax and eat breakfast soon after waking up.

Then, I was told to ask myself this question, “What do I need today?” Goodness, when was the last time I asked myself that question? He said the answer could be anything. Coffee with a friend? Some quiet time with a book? I was supposed to do my best to give myself whatever I needed.

Lastly, I was told to do something every day that gives me joy. He had me identify what that looked like for me. For me, embroidery is my calming, happy time.

C. Robertson

So, in our hour-long session that I thought would be talking about what I was doing wrong, we instead talked about my soul and not about blame. When we were done, I felt new hope and such a feeling of peace.

As I looked at the things he asked me to work on, I figured that going outside was going to be the hardest. I’m an indoor person and delaying coffee in my recliner in the mornings did not sound like fun. I have been surprised that it is not only the easiest thing to do but has made a huge difference physically and mentally. I actually look forward to doing it.

What has surprised me the most though, is that the hardest thing for me to accomplish is asking myself what I need and then giving it to myself. I have yet to pick up one bit of embroidery even though I ache to do it.

I think the answer lies in being a mom. Moms don’t treat themselves. Moms don’t sit and sew when there are laundry or dishes to be done. Do they?

Boy, that is a hard “rule” to break. I have some serious work to do convincing myself that I am worthy of care.

So, what have I learned?

I have learned that all this ties in with how I view my relationship with God too. I am quick to believe that God is angry with me, that I have fallen short, that I deserve punishment. I need to change that.

I have learned that my soul is worthy of care, that quiet time in God’s creation is not time wasted. I have learned that giving my body what it needs is a good thing. I have learned that doing something nice for myself does not make God angry, in fact it probably makes Him smile.

I have a long way to go, but I know you will celebrate with me that my blood numbers are looking way better, and my level of exhaustion is improving (still napping, but much shorter).

As I work on these issues, I hope and pray that the new things I am learning will carry over into my relationship with God. I’ve also learned that healing doesn’t have to be painful. Sometimes, it’s actually quite lovely.

“Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases.” Psalm 103:2-3