Do you remember the excitement of waking up next to your spouse when you were newlyweds? The days when weekend mornings consisted of just the two of you figuring out what the day ahead would entail? Maybe you’d stay in bed, fall back asleep, head to brunch, head to the gym, or just do whatever you please. The days when you had time for morning cuddles, if your heart so desired.
I was reminiscing over this the other day when my husband of over ten years stopped me in my tracks.
“You’ve never liked cuddling” he said.
Initially, I started building an argument against this statement. Certainly I used to love cuddling. Doesn’t every newlywed love it? Isn’t the only reason I don’t cuddle very much these days simply because we are busy with full time jobs and raising our two elementary school-aged kids? Weekend mornings no longer belong to us. They belong to soccer games or play dates or a house that isn’t going to clean itself.
But then I paused and realized something that is always super annoying. My husband was right. Fourteen years together and it turns out he knows me better than I know myself, in some ways. If I think back to over a decade ago when we were first married, I recall feeling then like I feel now when it comes to cuddling up; it’s not my thing. I don’t know if it’s because I am a bit type A and constantly feel like there are things I need to be doing and just sitting or lying there seems like a waste of time. Or maybe it’s because physical touch has never been top on my love language priority. That could explain why even at night, I don’t love the idea of falling asleep in a cuddling position.
Despite what you might be thinking, I am not some stone cold wife. My husband’s love language is physical touch so while that does pose a challenge, I make a conscious effort to ensure I put that as a priority. We just both recognize my limitations when it comes to my desire to cuddle up for any extended period of time.
Here is where this confession makes me feel extra guilty as a wife; when it comes to my kids, I am all about the cuddles. At six and almost nine, I feel blessed that they both still love cuddling up with me and I hope those days are not numbered. But confessing that makes me pause and think about the possible negative way it makes my husband feel.
But then I smile and think, “well he still married me knowing this about me so that’s on him.” I say that tongue in cheek but in reality, I think he appreciates my efforts to still ensure I meet his love language. There are days I feel cuddly and I make sure to really let him take advantage of that. Just as long as he remembers my limits.
There you have it moms. My wife confession. Are you all about the cuddles or do you prefer a bit of space?
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When Your Love Language Changes
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Thank you for this confession! I am the exact same way and it really bothers my husband!
Here’s the hardest thing to admit.. I’m a newlywed! My husband and I had a long distance relationship for three years… so when we would only get to see each other once a month.. I was much more of a cuddle partner because we rarely got to see each other and I think it was my way of expressing how much I missed him and how much I didn’t want him to leave when our limited time was ending!
Once we moved in together and saw each other every day… my needs were met and felt close all the time. I just became a little more independent when we would go to sleep and just love being near him! His love language is definitely touching.. he always gets frustrated when we sit on our L shaped couch and we aren’t right next to each other… I am the complete opposite.. as long as we are together that’s closeness to me!
And you make such a great point about kids! I have a son from my previous marriage… he always wanted to cuddle and that was the best part of my day.. especially before he went to bed! He’s now 15 and sadly doesn’t want to cuddle anymore… and I get that! I’m ok with it bc that’s just a part of growing up!
My husband on the other hand thinks it’s a bad sign that I don’t want to cuddle on the couch or before sleeping… I feel closer to him now than ever before and we have a great marriage… he knows he’s my world and I love him madly.. but wish I could help him understand my love language is just different than his! Have you found better ways to communicate this to your husband? Maybe I need to read the love languages book and have him do it too so he can understand it’s not him… it’s just how I’m wired!
I hope this doesn’t come across as judgmental but I have to ask. What about his love language? I get that you don’t need to touch to be close, but clearly he does want that. I only ask because I am absolutely a touch/cuddle person and I’m terrified to seek out a relationship because I’m terrified that something like this will happen to me, we will be physical close and might change, and while I’ll respect my future partners desires, I’ll still have my own and I’m afraid I’ll just have to deal. Also while you make it a point to let him know it’s not him its you, that might be little comfort. Yes he knows it’s not because you aren’t attracted to him, but he still has that desire. As a partner I also might find myself confused as to why my wife does enjoy cuddling with our future children but not me. I fear it will leave me wondering why it’s different for me that my partner doesn’t want it. Forgive me if I misunderstood your perspective, but I am curious to know if you at least do occasionally enjoy cuddling or being physically close to him? I only ask because as I grow older and start taking a more concerted effort to find someone to spend my life, my biggest fear is losing intimacy and terrified of the possibility that they might be content with less physical touching but I won’t and that will lead to me resent them. I would also like to make it clear that I’m not saying your husband feels that way, in fact what you said seems to prove the opposite, but I’m terrified that it may happen to me. I would love to hear how you have handled this since the post, if only so i can put some of my fears at ease. Apologies if this came across wrong or if I’m bugging you, feel free to disregard me. I just find myself searching more and more for answers as to how to deal with things like these in the future.
Forgive me if this come across wrong but I, personally, don’t think he’s asking for toon much. He’s not trying to turn it into sex. He just wants to hold you. Plus I can only speak for myself but when I cuddle, why I enjoy it; isn’t just about being physically/sexually close to my partner, when I hold them or they hold me, It makes me feel safe. When I’m tired, stressed, and afraid that closeness says a thousand words. As a man I feel like I should say that we have doubts, we have fears, we get sad, I like many men struggle to share how I feel, it’s hard to put those feelings of fear and sadness into words. It also doesn’t help that the reason why so many men desire physical touch is because many of us don’t get that growing up. I would also like to put into perspective just how much it means to a lot of men when we can hold our partner close. It’s no small thing for a man to have someone so close and touching us. It’s no small thing to let someone be that close to us, because we are at our most vulnerable; something that is not easy for. This isn’t meant to be judgmental or a guilt trip. I can’t speak for your husband but as for me and many men, I know, the mere act of holding someone or being held, it means the world to us. It doesn’t just fulfill a desire to touch, it recharges us. It means everything for us to know that there is someone in our life that we can show unbridled affection to, knowing that we won’t be turned away. I can tell you do love your partner, I just wanted to lend some perspective.
And to answer your last question if it wasn’t obvious already… lol.. I’m all about having my space… I feel suffocated sometimes when he’s always wanting to cuddle! Like I said I love him more than I’ve ever loved someone.. I just like having my personal space… is that bad?
Do you at least occasional let him cuddle you? Genuine question, I hope it doesn’t offend. I’ve just found my self, in recent years, seeking the perspectives of other couples so I know how to handle future problems. I realize how silly that is and it’s pointless to be afraid of something that has happened or might never happen, but the thought still makes me anxious.
I’m so glad I found this. I thought I was the only one and I was feeling sooooo guilty. I have a daughter (5yr) from a previous relationship and now I’m a newlywed of like 4 months and we’re already pregnant. One of My husband’s top love languages is touch and it’s literally my lowest score yet I will snuggle my daughter and I know I’ll snuggle this new baby but I’ve never been big on physical touch until I became a mom. I feel like something is wrong with me because I used to touch him more when we were dating but then somethings changed with him and I guess that wall of touch went right back up and though I love him dearly I can’t bring it back down. I’ve tried but I end up feeling weird and uncomfortable
This is one thing that terrifies me about a an extended relationship and this might happen. Obviously it’s not your fault and you do try but still it scares me when I hear perspectives like yours. I would like to hear how this have gone since this post, I’m not wanting to pry into your personal life. I just find my self, as I grow older, more and more afraid and so I seek out other couples perspectives in case it happens to me. Silly, I know; not even in a relationship and yet I let thoughts like this make me anxious.
Here’s my issue; I love to cuddle and touch periodically while we sleep. I’ve had a VERY elaborate sex/relationship life before getting married at 50. My wife, a beautiful, intelligent, sexy woman wants to sleep as if I’m not even in the bed with her. No inadvertent or natural touching through the night. I can touch her all I want without any reaction all night. Although, when the alarm goes off and it’s time to get up and start my day, she’ll roll over and “throw me a bone” by wrapping one arm around me until I get out of bed – about 5min if that. She “claims” it has to do with taking a sleeping pill before going to sleep but this has been going on for nearly 10yrs. I don’t understand this interaction or lack thereof. I’m a fitness nut and in extremely good shape, full (very full) head of hair with very little grey, high sex drive and most women flirt with me almost automatically when I meet them throughout my day. I come straight home from work and I’m accountable but these traits don’t motivate my wife to want to be close to me while we sleep. What am I missing?
It’s instances like yours that terrifies me to enter into an extended relation ship. The fear that my partner my be content, but I won’t and it will lead me to resent them, even though I know it won’t be their fault.
Great article and very informative. However, you say,”There are days I feel cuddly and I make sure to really let him take advantage of that. Just as long as he remembers my limits” but why don’t you hold your kids to this same “limitation” rule? My wife’s behavior matches what you have described. She can give unconditional cuddle sessions to my kiddos but when it comes to me, the attitude is always “you know this isn’t my thing”. 😆
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