It all started with a phone call.
I got an automated notice informing me of my daughter’s outstanding balance on her school lunch account. It didn’t strike me as totally out of the ordinary, but I did wonder why she was already out of money. I forgot about it until the next morning when my little girl crawled next to me as I was working on my computer. With my daughter tucked in by my side, I pulled up the lunch account website to do a little investigating.
Which uncovered that she’d been buying chocolate milk every single day to enjoy with her lunch from home.
“Honey, have you been buying chocolate milk every day at lunch?”
She shrunk a little into my side. She knew she’d been caught.
“Please tell me the truth.”
*Shoulder shrug.*
“I can see here that you’ve been buying milk.”
*Pulls blanket over head.*
“You need to look into my eyes and tell me the truth. You need to be honest.”
Once she realized I wasn’t going to drop the expectation that she confess, she peeked out from under the blanket, made eye contact, and nodded her head.
“And did you know that was wrong?”
“Yes,” squeaked her small voice.
I went on to explain that I wasn’t mad, but that I was disappointed by the choices she’d made. I explained she had lost the privilege of buying milk once a week and she nodded in understanding. She looked contrite, and I gave her a hug.
But then I mentioned she’d also be forfeiting her allowance for the week to pay the balance on her lunch account. And that’s when the wailing began.
She was heartbroken. Not mad, not throwing a tantrum, just plain old devastated.
And as I listened to my sobbing little girl everything within me wanted to give her grace. Because she really was genuinely sorry, and I believed she’d learned her lesson.
But though we’ve been firm and consistent in parenting thus far, this was our first opportunity to enforce tangible consequences for real, willful disobedience and it felt different. It felt bigger. It felt more important.
And I realized if I gave her grace in this particular moment, she wouldn’t believe me the next time I threatened a consequence. So I needed to stick to my word.
I took her in my arms and explained I knew she was upset. I told her that she’d get her allowance next week, but this was the consequence for being disobedient. And even though she sobbed and begged and pleaded, I stayed firm.
Eventually, the crying stopped and we went on about our morning. The following Sunday she gave me back her allowance as expected, and was then more motivated than ever to do her chores for the following week.
The consequence was small. Three dollars. But to her it felt huge. And in that moment she learned a lesson about obedience and consequences.
I know the road ahead will be full of plenty more opportunities to effectively discipline, which means it will also be full of opportunities to show my kids grace. But the grace I show them will mean nothing if they don’t believe the consequences that are being waived are actually real.
Mom, discipline is hard. It’s hard emotionally to watch your child be upset. It’s hard physically when you take away privileges that keep them quiet and occupied and give you much-needed downtime. It’s devastating when they misplace their anger onto you for holding them accountable for their poor choices.
But mom, it’s necessary. Your child needs to know you’re serious.
And once they do, you can extend grace to them in moments they least expect it. You can watch the relief wash over them when they realize you’re giving them a break. And those moments will be way more powerful and meaningful than they ever would if you never consistently enforced consequences in the first place.
Because you can’t parent with grace if you don’t consistently enforce consequences, too.
Read more of Kristina’s contributions to allmomdoes here.
