I have a small zipper bag that holds my daily make-up. In it are the bare necessities to make me feel my best and ready to face the world. Any extra colors or “experimental” make-up palettes are stashed in drawers. My bag contains one lipstick, one blush, and one eyeshadow. This makes my mornings so much easier.
The only exception is mascara. I have to have two tubes. One is regular and one is waterproof.
I love regular mascara. It goes on smoothly and lushly. It makes my lashes feel soft and full, and it is easy to remove at night.
But, let’s face it, ladies. Some days call for waterproof mascara.
Going to a counseling appointment? Waterproof mascara. Meeting a troubled friend? Empathy tears and waterproof mascara. Facing an emotional event? Waterproof mascara again.
I cry more than the average person. In part, because I come from a long line of criers. My mom couldn’t get through the daily paper without crying. My kids used to take me to the movies and lay bets on how soon I would start crying. I cry when I’m sad, I cry when I’m happy, I cry when I’m emotional and I cry when I feel hopeless.
So, waterproof mascara is a necessary evil. It doesn’t go on as smoothly, it tends to clump and it certainly doesn’t wash off as easily. But, there is nothing grosser than a black river flowing from your eyes down to your chin.
This past year was a tough one for me with lots of WM (Waterproof Mascara) days. So, I decided to do some research and search out the best waterproof mascara I could find.
I can’t remember what I put into the search engine (maybe “crying” and “mascara”?) but, I was shocked at what I found. What popped up was an incredible amount of tutorials for MAKING your face look like you’ve just “cried a river”.
The link titles were awful:
“How to make it look like you’ve just been crying.”
“How to look pretty but really sad at the same time.”
“How to make your eyes swollen.”
“How to make mascara run down your face.”
And, then the worst of them all:
“Manipulate your friends and family with this fake-crying makeup.”
Seriously, what is this world coming to?!
I clicked on a few links because I was sure they were joking (they weren’t).
The tips were as crazy as the titles: Rub Vicks Vapo-Rub on your eyes for that swollen, bloodshot look. Or, even better: rub an onion under your eyes! Again, I say: “Seriously?!” If you’re too wimpy to do either of those things, you were instructed to use red tinted lip gloss around your eyes.
The instructions went on to advise how to make black rivers of mascara run down your face. And, for that extra finesse: how to put lipstick on your nose and blend it in so it looks like you’ve blown your nose a lot. To finish the look off: Vaseline under your nose to look like boogers!
One gal bragged that after following her own advice she got a professor to excuse her from class. Her excuse was dramatically lame: she was distraught over an actress’s death … who had died three years earlier! But, her make-up was so convincing that she was excused anyway. She considered it a huge win.
Another blogger said that she really couldn’t be bothered with other people’s feelings but sometimes it got embarrassing when all her friends were crying and she wasn’t. So, she created a way to fake it. And, yet more women said it was an excellent way to make your boyfriend feel terrible.
I repeat, “What is this world coming to?!”
I could just cry (see what I did there?).
I eventually found a natural line of mascara that, while not perfect, does go on relatively well and stays on whether I cry or not. I have not tested it with Vapo-rub or an onion, mostly because I don’t need any help. But, also because I am not a conniving, emotionless robot.
Now, excuse me while I go apply my waterproof mascara and cry about the state of this world and some of the people in it.