Parenting Strong‑Willed Kids: Why They Fight You and How to Cope

One day I’ll be thankful that my kid is strong willed but that will not be today, not in this grocery store.-Unknown

Does your child fight nearly everything you do and say? Bath time, naptime, mealtime, and all the times in-between? Is your patience constantly being tested and you feel like you’re always trying to figure out a more effective way to parent your little one? Oh boy, can I relate!

My four-year-old officially stopped napping this summer. Not because he was ready to move on from them, but because he knows his big brothers are home from school. When I asked why he wasn’t sleeping for the millionth time, he matter-of-factly informed me that he wouldn’t be able to nap while they were home. I tried explaining why naps were good and helped his brain and body calm down, I tried telling him that he had to sleep or else, I told him that his brothers took naps when they were four. Did any of this help to change his mind? Nope. Instead, my sweet but strong-willed child told me I couldn’t make him sleep and that he was never closing his eyes again. If you’ve got what they call a “spirited” child, this probably sounds very familiar.

This isn’t our first rodeo with a spirited child; our first son was/is very similar. With him, we were in complete shock that none of the classic parenting methods seemed to work. Kids with this temperament tend to be more persistent, sensitive, intense, curious, and perceptive (according to Dr. Mary Sheedy Kurcinka in Raising Your Spirited Child). With all the labels in today’s world, my husband and I often joke that “spirited” is just a nicer way of saying, difficult. It’s true, this personality type is often very difficult to parent. It can be exhausting in so many ways. They tend to require the bare minimum when it comes to sleep, for one. Their big emotions sometimes make it feel like you’re trapped in an insane asylum as you try to reason with them. Kiddos with this temperament pick up on everything, can become fixated on something and refuse to give up, and can sometimes have very strong reactions with seemingly no warning.

The reason it feels like a whole new (and even more exhausting) ball game this time around is that unlike with the oldest, our four-year-old is living in a much fuller home and has lots of big brothers to mimic and argue with.

By the time dinner rolls around, my older kids are usually asking, “Has he had his nap today?! Mom-he needs a nap!”. One of them even asked a few weeks ago if we could send him to boarding school. After refusing to eat his dinner, I was frustrated and asked him how it felt to never eat to which he replied, “It feels good!”.

On another stressful day and after countless time-outs, I thought it would be a great reset to take a walk with just the two of us, through our neighborhood. He fought me while I held his hand to cross the road and when we reached the sidewalk, I asked him why he was trying to pull away. He didn’t even hesitate to give me an honest answer. “Because you’re trying to control me!” was his reply. Even though he usually loves holding my hand, he realized that was just one more thing he could fight for control on. Below the defiant exterior, he eventually gets overwhelmed and sad just like everyone else. He’s just able to hide it for a really long time while he goes to war with all of his family members. Sure, all toddlers and preschoolers have their defiant moments. They’re learning, they’re pushing boundaries, they are trying to figure out their place in the world.

Yes, there are certain things you can try to do with kids this age to help things run more smoothly. Parenting books are full of ideas and from what I’ve seen, often suggest that kids struggling with control need more options. That can be true, definitely. However, even implementing more options for my more challenging kids rarely seems to change the outcome. For example, my four-year-old can brush his teeth with supervision, but I still help to make sure he got them clean enough. I tell him I’ll put the toothpaste on and then he can help brush. To which he often responds, “No, I want to do it. I know how.” I tell him that toothpaste is a parent’s job and that he can help brush, but instead of complying, he reacts by telling me he isn’t brushing and seals his lips together.

I say he should wear pajama pants to bed because he might get cold, he disagrees and wears shorts. We ask him to sit on the stairs to get his shoes on, so he sits just out of reach and says he likes the other step better. I say he can’t roll his window down in the car because it’s raining, he says he wants the rain on his face and likes to be wet and cold. I say he should wear a hat because it’s so sunny, he says he likes the sun in his eyes.

You get the picture. It can be really tough and wearing to navigate, especially when you mix in the sibling dynamics and bickering. Even when my little guy isn’t fighting me, he is usually fighting his brothers and everything can quickly descend into chaos. If your child is always early to rise, demands to do everything themselves, and makes it feel like you’re living with a teenager from the age they can walk-you more than likely have a spirited child.

Two of my kids have completely different personalities from my more spirited children. That doesn’t mean they’re better, it just means that our two with bigger emotions tend to need us differently. Every child is unique, but we can still be as consistent as possible. Hopefully, understanding the quirks and challenges that come with raising more persistent, intuitive, and sensitive children will help us react in ways that calm the situation rather than aggravate it. For what it’s worth, I have learned that children with spirited temperaments tend to thrive with more activity and steady routines. At the end of the day, my little guy loves even more fiercely than he fights. He can be thoughtful and empathetic, cares deeply for animals, helps others when they’re hurt, and is extremely protective of his family (even the brothers that he goes to war with). I have no doubt that the traits that sometimes make him difficult to parent, are the very same traits that will become strengths when he is an adult. His intense curiosity, strong-will, and perseverance are a gift, even if they feel like more of a curse sometimes in these younger years. The same little boy that fights me at every turn and makes steam come out of my ears is the same one who knew I had a headache the other day, put his head against mine, and said, “I’m trying to give it to me instead of you.”

A few things that absolutely help when it comes to raising not-so-easy little ones, are patience and choosing your battles. Both can be very difficult, especially when you’re at your wits-end with your child’s fighting spirit. Pray for peace in your heart and home, for patience and discernment in your parenting, and for strength in the stressful and exhausting moments. Ask them for forgiveness when you lose your temper no matter how young they are and trust God’s plan in giving you these children to raise. Hang in there, mom. Your spirited child loves you to infinity and beyond, and there is no one more qualified for the job.

So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. -Colossians 3:12