Signs of a Christian Narcissist

The headline jumped out at me: “Signs of a Christian Narcissist”.

What? How can that be? Aren’t all believers changed and wonderful people? The short answer is no. Oh, how that confused me as a new believer. I would go to church, talk with someone and leave the conversation feeling judged and awful instead of loved. I wondered who was to blame. Was it the church’s fault? The Pastor’s? Mine?

It turns out that it’s no one’s “fault”. Churches are filled with all kinds of people. Still, the ones who cause people pain can do a lot of damage. The fact that churches are filled with different kinds of people with all kinds of issues is a hard lesson to learn. There are uncountable stories of people hurt by “less than Christ-like” others in church. Perhaps you’re one of them, I know I am.

The word “Christian” means “like Christ” and Christ certainly wasn’t a narcissist. I always hesitate to use the word “Christian” to label myself. Who am I to say I am “like Christ”? That is my goal though and I work towards that every day, but I often fall short. That’s the beauty of having a forgiving God. I like to use “believer” instead, because I certainly do believe.

But I digress. I read that article about “Christian Narcissists”. The question of whether a narcissist is truly a Christian was too big for the author to answer. Instead, she laid out different areas where narcissists fall short of the mark.

Let’s start by defining what a narcissist is.

Narcissists have an inflated sense of their own importance. Sometimes their behavior is overt and easy to spot. Sometimes they hide it so well that you wonder if the problem is really you. Narcissists struggle with genuine relationships because they lack authenticity (and that goes for their relationship with Christ too). Narcissists are like aliens. They come to this planet and have to copy the behaviors that will get them what they want, because they don’t feel true emotion and empathy.

And that’s the problem with narcissists. They can ‘accept’ Jesus. They can go to church regularly. But since they are self-absorbed and believe things are all about them, the changes that come after devoting yourself to Christ are unlikely to happen.

If you’ve ever encountered a narcissist in church, and/or been hurt by one, you know they’re not always easy to spot. However, there will be signs that you are dealing with one. Remember, Jesus said:

^“By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles?” Matthew 7:16

The author of that first article I read laid out seven such signs. I list them here in my own words.

1. Fake niceness – Have you ever met a person who smiles and uses a sweet voice but somehow makes you shiver? Narcissists know that being nice gets them more. They will smile at your face and then throw you under the bus at a moment’s notice.

2. Fake humility – Narcissists are by definition self-absorbed, but they know it’s not acceptable to be selfish, so they will mimic humility. I had a friend who would pretend she was interested in my life but then yawn loudly until it was her turn to talk.

Philippians 2:3 tells us, “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.”

3. Fake sincerity – Narcissists have become so adept at hiding who they really are that they just can’t be sincere.

Matthew 5:37 says: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.”

4. Fake Giving – Narcissists believe “What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine.” But they do recognize that giving is part of a believer’s life and so they will give loudly to make themselves look good or to get something in return.

Matthew 23:5 “Everything they do is done for people to see: They make their phylacteries wide and the tassels on their garments long;”

5. Fake Faith – “Christian” narcissists tend to know the “faith” terminology. They have the tools to make themselves sound like the most faithful follower. I remember as a new Christian being so confused by the people who seemed to know it all about being a Christian and yet they left me with an “ick” feeling”.

6. Fake Repentance – Narcissists aren’t by nature apologetic. To admit wrongdoing would be catastrophic for their egos. But to be repentant is part of being a believer and so they may offer a version of an apology that puts the blame back on you.

7. Fake Thankfulness – To be thankful is hard when you feel entitled to all good things.

When I delved deeper into this subject, I found even more research that showed more ways to recognize a church narcissist. See if any of these have happened to you.

They quote scripture or pieces of scripture to shame you or to get you to act the way they want you to.
They change the boundaries that you have set for yourself into sin. If you say no to their demands, you are sinning.
They shift all accountability onto you. If you’re hurt they tell you to pray more or forgive them or examine your heart. Their own actions of course are always fine.
They use God language to shut you down; “God told me …” How do you respond to that one?!
They demand instant forgiveness and skip the steps of repentance and change.
They value image over integrity. The public image of being a “good Christian” is much more important than the inward work that leads to a deep and meaningful faith.

So, there you have it. I’ll wager that every person has a story of a narcissistic church member that they’ve run across in their lives. An old preacher once said when asked about a hurtful person in the congregation, “Well, they are exactly where they need to be.” He meant that church was the place to change them. That was a sweet answer, but it hardly helps when the narcissist refuses to change and is hurting others.

Still, who are we to judge when we all fall short of the mark? I for one am really glad I am not a judge. Looking through my human lenses would make me an awful one.

Now that we know there are narcissists in church, what do we do?

It helps me to know that there have been narcissists since the beginning of time. The Bible even gives us instructions on how to deal with them. Here are some scripture verses (shortened for space) that may help.

Guard your heart – Proverbs 4:23
Avoid foolish arguments – 2 Timothy 2:23
Don’t cast your pearls before swine – Matthew 7:6
Expose darkness but don’t join it – Ephesians 5:11
Do not repay evil for evil – Romans 12:17
Pray for them but set boundaries – Matthew 5:44
Seek peace and pursue it – Psalm 34:14

It is true that a narcissist will consider themselves to be a “good” Christian. Whether they are a true Christ follower is too big a subject to tackle here. We’re all broken when we come to Christ, but little by little, the Holy Spirit does His perfecting work in us…IF we let him.

Perhaps the best course of action when faced with a narcissist at church is to work on ourselves, pray for those who fall short of the mark (we all do), set our own non-negotiable boundaries, and protect the innocent ones who aren’t capable of protecting themselves.

Human frailties are too numerous to mention. We all have them and we have all suffered at times from others’ frailties. It is up to us when to forgive, when to speak up, and when to walk away.

Life is complicated, isn’t it? Blessedly, our faith doesn’t have to be.