Your home is both a physical place and an emotional experience. And how you create your home in both of those respects has a big impact on the peace you find in your marriage and relationships. Victoria Duerstock joins Julie Lyles Carr for a fascinating discussion on designing an environment both externally and internally that can lead to greater relationship connection.
Listen to “Creating a Peaceful House and Home with Victoria Duerstock” on Spreaker.
Interview Links:
Find Victoria Online | Heart & Home | Facebook | Instagram | Twitter | Pinterest
Books:
- Guard Your Heart & Home: Pursuing Peace in Your Living Space
- Revived & Renovated: Real Life Conversations on the Intersection of Home, Faith and Everything in Between
Transcription:
Julie Lyles Carr: You’re listening to the AllMomDoes podcast where you’ll find encouragement, information, and inspiration for the life you’re living, the kids you’re raising, the romance you’re loving, and the faith you’re growing. I’m your host, Julie Lyles Carr. Let’s jump into this week’s episode.
On the AllMomDoes podcast episode today is Victoria Duerstock. Victoria. Thank you so much for being with me today.
Victoria Duerstock: I’m so excited to be here. Thank you for having me.
Julie Lyles Carr: Absolutely. It’s so wild. I feel like we should have met long before now. I’m not sure why we haven’t. I think we have a lot of people we love in common and I have enjoyed your gorgeous books for several years now. So it’s just fun to finally get to meet you after having had your name come across my radar multiple times.
Victoria Duerstock: Same. I feel like we’re fast friends that just haven’t had a chance to meet yet.
Julie Lyles Carr: I know. So we have made a coffee date and it’s happening now. That’s what’s happening now. Tell listeners where you live in the country and the things you love to do because you are a Jack of all trades, a Swiss army knife of all things, digital and content and media, all that kind of stuff. So, give my listeners a window into your world.
Victoria Duerstock: It’s a very tired world that we live in. Could use a few more hours of sleep in this world, but yes, I am a wife and a mom of three who are nearly completely all grown and flown, which is hard to fathom and understand because I was really, I was in college just the other day. And somehow 25 years went by. I don’t know exactly. We live just south of Memphis, Tennessee, and north Mississippi. And we have been here, I think we just hit 13 years, which is really kind of crazy because we lived on the coast of Florida for many years and loved the beach life and then moved into an area that doesn’t have beaches. And we had to make some adjustments and we have done that, I guess, pretty well. Cause we’re still here. And we, you know, we just are doing a variety of things. We’re all going in different directions. And yet home is still very important and I’m still thankful that the kids are close enough, that we get to still get together for Thanksgiving and Christmas. And all of the wonderful things that we do.
Julie Lyles Carr: You’re in Mississippi is near and dear to my heart because my grandmother lived in Karnes, Mississippi for almost a hundred years. It’s just south of the Memphis area. And my mother was raised in that area. So, I know the area well, and that’s a big change from the coast of Florida to go into that area. But there’s, you know, it’s interesting because I also felt like I was raised in California for the most part, but we went back to Mississippi almost every summer. And one thing that was interesting to me, and I love the architectural style of homes and the decor and all of that from California, but there was something that felt so grounded and that home central, at least to my childhood mind. When I think about going back to Mississippi, to both of my grandmother’s homes and being in the homes of other people in that area, do you find that that area of the country has heightened your sense of being home and, and wanting things to, to feel a certain way and to look a certain way? Or was that just something that you always were fascinated with from childhood?
Victoria Duerstock: But that’s really interesting, Julie. I’m an only child, so I’ve been an adult my whole life basically. And hanging out at home, looked very different growing up for me than it has for our family and understanding siblings and you know, all of the different facets of family living has been interesting, but you’re right. A lot of people here in this area have been here forever, so their families have stayed here. And when we moved into the area, we were just like blown away because everybody’s cousin and a family member lived close by and they all knew each other, and didn’t, you know, this person cause they are, you know, the second cousin once removed of that neighbor over there and, you know, everybody was related to each other. It was just such an interesting thing. I think for me, especially, it’s been nice because of the focus on family and home. It’s just reiterated for me how I want our home to be and to be a safe place to land and for you know, the friends to want to congregate here. That’s what I want, you know? And so it has helped reinforce that.
Julie Lyles Carr: How did you begin this track of, of writing and creating content around this idea of home? Because obviously, so the things that you do in your books and on your website, there are all kinds of beautiful images and ideas that you have, but there’s also this thing that goes, and that you speak to intentionally, deeper than that. Which is the sense of what home is and what it means. And you’ve been about this work for a long time. This wasn’t just a DIY or redo or reach a core kind of moment for you. This is something that’s long been a message. How did that begin?
Victoria Duerstock: It’s interesting. I think that God’s kind of been preparing me for, for a long time. You know, I trained as a musician. I was a professional pianist. I did music education. I was doing a lot of things. And then I became a mom and I was very sick through that process. So it, it was not easy. Pregnancy were, were never easy for me. So, it’s a miracle. But that was all God’s will thankfully.
And, and so in that timeframe, though, I wasn’t able to do the teaching and the piano playing and all the things that I had ambitions and desires for. And I began working with my husband. And my husband’s been in the furniture industry for a really long time. He’s been on the interior design side of things. He has he has done all these things. So I worked with him for many years doing his thing. And what I didn’t recognize was that God was just kind of giving me an education on the side of things that I would need for the future. And when it came time to start writing books, when God started really kind of working on me, it came out of a season of just this deep commitment that I knew I needed to make in my relationship with the Lord of some spiritual disciplines.
I knew that I was continually pushing off that I need to be in the Bible daily, and I need to be doing these things that I know will help me grow as a believer. But I had been pushing them off for years as far as maintaining some consistency. And it’s hard. I mean, as moms and, you know, we’re all lack of sleep and all of the things that are going on, it is challenging to have a consistent time with the Lord. But I knew that God was just calling me deeper. And so in the midst of all of these things, You know, all of these pieces that he’s, he’s put into place, I really made a commitment that I was going to get up early and I was going to spend daily time with the Lord, even if it meant a few hours less of sleep. Which I didn’t want to miss out on, but I was willing to commit because I really wanted to get serious.
And I had also made a commitment years before about memorizing the book of James and I had never done that. And I finally said, okay, all right, I’m going to do this. So all of this stuff is happening all at one time. And God started maneuvering in my heart to kind of pursue writing, which I thought was going to be this really, idyllic thing, sit down, write books, have tea, cottage core kind of vibe know. And it’s not that at all. That’s probably the farthest thing from that. But so I had a lot to learn about the process and God gave me some open doors to write some short devotionals for some anthologies early on, which wasn’t really what I was shooting for, but it was an open door and I decided to take advantage of it.
And during all of this time, all of the stuff started to come together now. There’s some neat parallels in the Bible about design there’s some design principles like flow and harmony and balance, you know? All of it’s all through scripture, but it’s also ways that we’re trying to achieve this in our homes. And so to make an incredibly long story short my editor at Abington caught my vision and she is wonderful. And she said, I think you do have something here that we need to really make happen. And so the Heart & Home books were born because of just that kind of success with short devotionals. Also seeing how God in our homes was, was a way for us to talk about God. And to create gospel-centered conversations around a beautiful book. What a neat thing to be able to say, let’s talk about the Lord in a different way than maybe we have before, because we’ve got some beautiful pictures and we’ve got some tips about how to make our home homier. And, and so that produced the Christmas book after that.
And then this, this book, Guard Your Heart & Home, with the focus on marriage was really my heart because I thought COVID was going to bring us all a lot closer together. Isolation being together, being cooped up together, and I saw I saw the opposite happening. I saw where that work was not taking place,
right? And there’s fishers and there’s fractures in some of those foundational things that happened. And so I thought, oh, I really wanted to kind of dig in to this home, the piece that we’re all longing for in our homes and talk about it in a way as it relates to our marriages specifically.
Julie Lyles Carr: Right. You know, it’s interesting to me, Victoria, is that I have heard so many people now and it’s been my experience. Jamie Ivey has been on the podcast and talked about it a couple of times that. The pandemic again, the idea that we were going to be able to take this pause and be able to focus on our relationships, particularly our marriage or romantic relationships in a way that was going to be more intentional, and it was going to remove some of the distraction, and yet what so many of us found was that far more difficult. I’d love to hear your theory of everything on that, because there were, there have been challenges in, in my relationship and other people’s relationships that I absolutely would have told you 100%, were due to busy schedules, overstuffed schedules, too many people going too many places in too many directions. And, and if we could just have focus time, that was going to be the thing that was going to fix it. And so I’m curious to hear your theory because I feel like we’ve been in this living lab that has disproved what I really passionately thought was at the core of some of this.
Victoria Duerstock: Absolutely. I think there’s two things that I think of when, as you were talking. The first one is that time was never the problem. Whether we’re talking about being in the Bible and studying like we’re supposed to or prayer, which is our most useful tool and we don’t access it like we should, time is not the issue. It’s really our prioritization of our time. But secondly, I think as it relates especially into our homes and, and what occurred with having everybody together, is kind of what I saw when we started homeschooling, you start to be around each other all the time and see all the flaws, right? It’s, it’s up close. It’s personal. It’s in your face all the time. And you think, I am the worst mother that there is on this earth, you know, because my children aren’t listening or they’re not doing this, or they can’t finish their spelling or they can’t like all of these little things kind of add up. And so I think that it’s the same thing has occurred in our, in our family relationships as a whole. And then in our marriages, especially is that our flaws have been in our face 24 7, and we’re all flawed. I mean, we all have issues and we all have sinful natures and we have deal with pride and selfishness and all of these things. And instead of having that break where we go to work or we would travel, or we would do other things… 24 7, we’re just dealing with. Oh man. Do I really like you very much? Like, I don’t know. I don’t know anymore, you know. And, and here we hit 25 years this year, and I’m telling you that the last year and a half, two years has been really hard.
It’s just been this challenge. You think, after you’ve been together this long, you know, that you don’t struggle or you don’t have challenges. I think that that’s just not true. And I guess I would add one more thing into what I see that’s happening, especially with our young people, especially young marriages, is that it takes work and they’re not necessarily prepared for it. And, and those of us that have been around a while, know that anything worth having is worth working for. And we know we have to dig in and we have to do some of that hard work, dying to self daily and all of those things. But I think that there’s a certain idea that that is in our younger generation if I have to work at something, I’m not very good at it. And if it’s, if I’m not very good at it, I should probably be just go ahead and quit and go try something else. And I think that that is permeating marriages at this point, that whole concept. And I think it’s tearing us apart.
Julie Lyles Carr: Right. I hear too in a way that I think is really interesting and I hear strongly faith leaders, both sides of this fence, so I, again, I’m not landing one place or the other, but this notion that I hear coming up now is that, well, if there seems to be an incompatibility or there seems to be this level of, of whatever the thing is, that it must not have been meant to be. And there’s probably another situation or something else I can do that I can find that greater compatibility. Or if it’s this much work, then what is the level that constitutes too much work, which then says that it’s not working. So I think there are a lot of factors at play that we’ve had to really stare at in the eyes over the last couple of years within marriages. Within parenting relationships, within people who have had roommate situations… all these different living situations in which the idea of home, both as a physical place and as an emotional construct has really been taxed.
You know, part of what I love in your work, Victoria, is you tie together for us in a really beautiful way the physical experience of home with the relational experience of home. And I do find there are people who struggle with one of these two sides in this way. We don’t want to be materialistic people. We’re not supposed to be marked by that is people who follow God. And yet to your point, there seems to be an awful lot in scripture about God being the creator of beauty and giving us that ability to appreciate order and symmetry and beautiful pattern. Like he gave us all the tools we need, and the understanding to have that. When I look at the design of the tabernacle and of the temple, such intentionality, such architectural detail. Obviously God knows that we are impacted by our interiors and then that impacts. The interiors of our heart, not to get too cute with it, but that just seems to be this relationship. How do you tie those two things together, where we can appreciate and enjoy creating a beautiful space without getting too in the weeds that it’s gotta be this kind of house, or it’s gotta be that couch, or if it doesn’t match what I’m seeing in some of the design spots. I look on Pinterest or Instagram than somehow I’ve failed at creating home. H how do you balance all of that?
Victoria Duerstock: Well, you just said the word it’s balance and, and that’s the, that’s the trick, right? Because it’s humans, we’re not always very balanced. I mean, I’m, I’m usually one way or the other, you know, I’m usually not dead center. And I think balance is something that, that, you know, is the unicorn that everybody is chasing is trying to find, you know, balance whether that’s in our homes or our schedules or our time or whatever. And you know, so the trick for all of us is finding, you know, where, where is that limit? And you know, if we’re not budgeting or we’re not, if we don’t have, if we’re not communicating with our spouses, then, then that line gets moved all around the place. And, and we may be either overspend and we try to hide all the Amazon packages coming in, or, or we’re saying, okay, hands off, we’re not going to buy anything. And everything is just the stark, you know, there’s nothing. It’s usually one or the other, rather than a, than a nice medium. I think being grateful for what we do have, being grateful for what God’s provided for us, and recognizing that everything we do have comes from his hands is a really good place to start because then I’m not going to strive for things that are out of my reach or things that maybe aren’t in the budget. I can still appreciate them as beautiful, but I don’t necessarily have to own them in order to appreciate what I do have.
So I think starting from a place of gratefulness and understanding that all of it comes from his hands, whether it’s been an abundance, or it’s been maybe a little bit of lack for what we would really rather have. And, and it’s being satisfied to say, you know, maybe I need items that have story to them. And I think that that’s been kind of one of the interesting parts of the journey here over the last few years too, is in talking with people and seeing beautiful homes in and just being able to be in different spaces and seeing what people love and why they love it… Most of the time people are drawn to items in their home that have some sort of story.
There’s a value because it means something from their childhood. It means something from maybe even it’s not their story. Maybe it’s somebody else’s story. I have a dear friend who’s decorated her home with a lot of interesting pieces from around the country. You know, a banister from Brooklyn and you know reclaimed wood from a barn and, and all of these things. It’s not her story, but you know what, she’s an adoptee. And so she loves gathering things with stories. There’s just interesting things for me. That matter and our homes. And I think if we start to find maybe certain pieces that we could be grateful to have that maybe have a story, then when we’re in our decorating mode and when we’re trying to do different things, we can still be grateful and hold onto it. You know what this matters because this piece was something that was meaningful to me growing up or has this really interesting story behind it.
Julie Lyles Carr: And that way it’s not just becoming about competing in that sense. It’s really connecting a purpose to it. Tell me how to make that stretch, because I gotta tell you, Victoria, I will get this place shoveled out, I’ll get it looking pretty good. And then wouldn’t, you know, it, people show up. And they just start destroying. What I was feeling was very peaceful because of finally kind of put back together and things were put in a certain place. And I don’t know if you have any of these in your family, Victoria, I have managed to birth a couple three of these fine specimens who wander around picking up your things and wandering with them, gesturing with them, and then putting them down in a completely other place. This is something that happens all the time. So all of that to say, how do we make that stretch from what feels like peace to us, when things are in order or they look the way we want them to look, and then we interject people into it again, which can be a piece interrupter. How do we make that stretch?
Victoria Duerstock: It’s so funny. I was just thinking about even how I unload the dishwasher. And then, you know, when I look and see, you know, why would they put the forks there? Like the don’t go there.
Julie Lyles Carr: I laugh. I I’ve taken the time. There are labels in my cabinets. I taught these children to read. I know I did because we homeschooled, and I know they read and they do not read my cute labels. Like I had had labels up. I think I don’t want to exaggerate, but I think it was over a year. We were unloading the dishwasher and somebody was putting something where it didn’t belong. And I said, there’s a label right there that says that’s where the round bowls go. And it was this revelation to them. Like they had not, they had not seen it for a year. Yeah. A dishwasher is like, I like that’s a low-hanging fruit example. Absolutely. The dishwashers prime ground, for showing just how, yeah. People aren’t noticing that.
Victoria Duerstock: It’s, it is it’s, it’s the challenge. I’m with you all a hundred percent, because you know, you can get your space exactly the way you want it. It’s peaceful. It’s calm. Listen, I’m an only child. So, you know, you add noise to the mix and I, and I’m like, oh, you know, I don’t know what to do with that. And I have three children, so it’s just, it’s a, it’s a noisy mix, you know, when we’re all together and it’s quiet. It’s good. I want it that way. But it is hard to remember sometimes you know, that when the people are in your space, that there that’s what you want.
And, and I, I wrote about this a little bit in the hospitality buck. You know, if my stuff keeps me from people, then, then my stuff’s wrong. Right? Like it’s, it’s the stuff, that’s the problem, not the people. Right. And, and so it’s a, this is the heart issue of where I have to come back to. And I think of two things, you know, I think of the grace that’s been afforded me in my messes. So grace, upon grace, I need to offer grace in extreme. And then also the fact that I need to believe the best in each other that see, this is, this is the thing that I have have worked on for years is saying, you know, what we, what we know to be true about each other, that’s what we hold on to when we don’t understand why they’re doing what they’re doing, or if they’ve made me mad or they’ve hurt my feelings, whoever that is, if I believe the best about somebody else, then I’m going to give them the grace that I need to offer. And then that, that flows from like, they, they put that in the wrong place, or they, they you’re invading my space and it’s not peaceful anymore, and I’m going to have to fold all these blankets back up and I’m going to have to pack everything back up and, oh, my word, you know, how much trash can we, can we actually generate, you know, while we’re together? It is, it’s a conversation that can kind of go on in my brain and I can get off track if I’m not. careful. I think it’s a hard, it’s a hard attitude at the end of the day.
Julie Lyles Carr: Right. You know, I was discussing with one of my sons the other day, how interesting it is that our environments really do set moods. And I think for some of us, and I’m speaking primarily for those who were raised in certain branches of faith communities that were much more stripped down, things were extremely simple. There was a little bit of an eye given to anything that was, it could be perceived as grandiose or an environment that could be manipulating, or there was a, there was sort of a wariness about some of those kinds of environments. And again, to speak to how God designed when the people would come into the temple or the tabernacle, the experiences he wanted them to have coming in, I just, I have had a fresh appreciation over the last few years for how important it is, even in the con on, in the context of our homes, to think through how we want people to experience what it means to come in. And there are things that some of us got the memo on a lot earlier than others. I mean, we all know the story of the realtor who is so good about putting fresh baked cookies in the oven, you know, as people are walking in that kind of a thing, but what are some of the things that you think God designed us in such a way that we’re responsive to, that create an atmosphere of peace. Not just our peace about if the correct forks going in the correct drawer as we unload the dishwasher, although there are ways that does bring niece in peace and not necessarily everybody else in my house. But what are some of those markers that immediately can put us in a posture of I’m home, and this is a place of peace, and this is a place of love and a place of acceptance. What are some things that we can do for the people who walk through?
Victoria Duerstock: Well, for me, it’s always been considering the, at the end of the day, that the clutter can keep people from feeling comfortable. You know, if we’re talking about focal point, you need kind of one place for your idle land in a room because it brings you peace. It brings you away from that tension, which is a great, great, great tie into our spiritual walk. Right? We need that focal point. If we don’t have that focal point, we’re going to be last and we’re going to be tense. So for me, I love talking about focal point. I could stay there all day, but, but decluttering, I think, having a place where you can welcome someone in your home doesn’t mean the entire home is perfect, but you need a place where you can sit and, and talk. And, and for me, I have always fought this urge to go hide everything in closets and shut doors, because I don’t want people to know that, you know, I have clean laundry. I don’t know. I mean, I guess there’s this urge to kind of pretend like I have it altogether. And I think that when we welcome people into our homes, even if they’re not perfectly designed perfectly, even clean, maybe there’s some dust bunnies in the corner. Whatever the case may be when we are welcoming people in our home, whether they’re family members, whether they’re friends or strangers, and we’re just honest because we opened the door and have a place for them to sit, make them feel at home and welcome, then, then we can have conversations with each other. Which is where relationships are built and where we start to understand other perspectives from other people where we get to really have an appreciation and a love for each other that were called. And then we can have an influence. And, and I think this can, all this can all kind of overflow from our homes if we have this idea of, I don’t need to be perfect. I need to kind of put that aside and say that that’s not going to happen because it’s just not, no matter, no matter how good I am still not going to happen. And I, I had to learn this lesson the hard way, a long time ago. My dear friend started knocking on my door and, and I didn’t want to answer the door. I had a huge pile of laundry. Kids were little. I had a huge pile of clean laundry in the, in the living room. Thank goodness. It wasn’t dirty in my house cause
Julie Lyles Carr: it’s a huge pile of dirty laundry. So it’s the fact that yours was clean. That’s an upgrade Victoria.
Victoria Duerstock: Wasn’t folded, you know, and there’s piles. And you’re just like, I don’t, I don’t want to let anybody in my space cause they’re going to judge me. And, and she kept knocking on the door and I was like, oh, oh, I don’t want to answer the door. And I finally did, and for me it was, it was such a breath of fresh air. It was a horrible feeling to feel like I was welcoming somebody into my space and it wasn’t, wasn’t bright. It wasn’t open and available. But secondly, once I did it and she came in and sat down and we were able to have that relationship, then I was calm. Right. Then there was that moment of, well, she’s already seen it. She still loves me warts and all things. And that’s when relationship really does occur. And then she started folding and you know what? I was like, come back next week.
There’ll be more. Standing date. Yeah. But, but we have to be certainly vulnerable. And I think that that’s maybe kind of key as well to how we utilize our homes and how. How we view our home with our family, with our friends, with, with people in general, is we have to just be willing to be vulnerable because it’s not going to be a hundred percent all the time. My husband’s wonderful. It reminded me, you know, we live here, right.
Julie Lyles Carr: That’s a really important statement. We live here and yeah, and I do think Victoria, I mean, I love good design. I love following people who are amazing at that kind of thing. And of course, you know, all of it, and I love the Instagram grids that are just dreamy and creamy and all the things, but it’s like we’ve set up a standard into which our homes are supposed to feel like hotels. And the reality is even, even people are it’s hysterical. I mean, you and I both know people’s Butler pantries, let’s, I’m bidding an air quote, which were supposed to be like the very functional working portion of homes it really did have all this staff and all this kind of stuff, even though, we’re blinging out. Like there’s no, there’s no workspace in homes really anymore.
Victoria Duerstock: Cause we’re supposed to pretend like we put it all together without having to dirty a dish. Right?
Julie Lyles Carr: Exactly. This is all supposed to be. Boom. And, and that challenge I think is that it is creating both a greater sense of failure, if you feel like you’re not measuring up to that or your home is cluttered or crazy, or like I said, I mean, dirty laundry from the front door all the way back, which is been the history of my home on many, many occasions. Because we aren’t living in our home, acting like we live in our homes and yet we do. What are some trends that you and your husband, because since you both have had this unique perspective and view and expertise in this area on furnishing homes, and, and getting home organization going into core and all those things, what are trends that you started seeing show up through the course of the pandemic that you think will impact how people look at their homes, how they want to design and live in their homes as we continue forward.
Victoria Duerstock: I think there were a couple of interesting things that really kind of stood out to me and, and one was actually outdoor spaces, which is not technically in inside your home, but the outdoor space suddenly became a little bit more of a focus because you know, we couldn’t necessarily gather in the homes for a while, or didn’t, didn’t want to put other people at risk, so we, we challenged ourselves to be outdoors more. And so that made us focus on comfortable seating outside or some sort of screens or something to keep the bugs out or lighting, you know, the fancy lights and things like that. So I think outdoor spaces kind of came to the forefront. I think I would hope that that would continue because I think it’s a really great way to entertain without also again, feeling like I got to get the whole house clean before people come over. It’s just an easy way for us to say, come into my space and be with me and, and let us get to know each other.
Julie Lyles Carr: And you can use a leaf blower to get it prepared. I just, I think that’s a better, I always wanted to be able to hose down this house and have a big drain in the middle floor inside. So, to be outside with a leaf blower, seems like, whew, this is a lot easier.
Victoria Duerstock: The it’s the way to go for sure. You know, and there’s so many opportunities now, you know, for rugs and, and ways to make spaces feel kind of homey anyway. So, it’s a, it’s a great opportunity to use, you know, more space. And then the other thing is the home office and, and just use of space in general. I’ve had a lot of conversations with different people about, you know, certain rooms, and we’ve had certain rooms that needed to be certain things for a while. A dining room, sitting room or whatever, depending on the size of your house. But what, what the reality is each of our homes go through seasons and we have different needs at different times.
My friend Paige, her kids all came home. She has four and they all needed a place to work on school. And there wasn’t really a schooling area. And so, she needed to take her beautiful sitting room that she loved and thought it was great, but didn’t get a lot of use and say, you know what, for this season for our family, for this time, this needs to go. We need to readjust and reassess how we use the space. And I think, I think that that’s one of the things that’s happened in this last year and a half or so is saying, you know, my home office obviously needs to make sure it’s functional and it’s working and I’ve got like close the door and I can have a conversation and phone call, but also spaces in general, do we need a space where we can do school? Do we, do we need that space that we never hardly use? Can we use it in a different way that’s actually more functional for our family in this timeframe?
Julie Lyles Carr: I agree. I see that there is a renewed stewardship of the space you’ve been given to reconsider what really works for you and who cares, how it might work for the family down the street. I think that’s really a great thing because it’s given us a lot of permits. Victoria connect the dots for me on how being intentional about creating peaceful environments in our home, impacts the peace within specifically our marriages, because I think that’s something that we don’t often think about. And yet I will tell you in the premarital counseling that I’ve done for couples through the years in my work on a church staff at my church home here in Austin, this was so fascinating to me. I’ve had Les Parrot on the podcast before, and he and Leslie Parrott, his wife, have a program called Symbis, saving your marriage before it starts, and there is an online assessment that can be done. And there is fantastic information all the way around on those assessments. And you get certified to walk couples through that. It’s, it’s a really great thing, but there is one page that you would not think would be the page because it seems so basic, and yet now having walked several couples through this process, I’ve learned, this is the page, my friend, this is the page. And it is from your family of origin who did XYZ. The dishwasher, took out the garbage, handled walking the dog, paid the bills, like, okay? And so couples answer, okay, in my home of origin, my mom did that or my dad did that. And then this final column is in the family you’re building, who’s going to do that? And even with couples who were being raised with moms who were working more, and even with couples who came from parents where there seem to be a better division of labor or those kinds of things, all the way to those couples that were raised in what we would call quote, unquote, more traditional homes. This one page, my friend, is the moment we all have to stop and really take a look because it can be the nexus of so much conflict in marriage, one partner, feeling like they’re being taken advantage of. One partner going, why would you ever assume I would be the person to do that? Another partner feeling disadvantaged or taken advantage of in a different way, because there’s an assumption made based on some of these very basic things about maintaining dwelling together. So connect the dots for me of how we can be intentional to create peaceful environments, but specifically how that plays out in our marriages within the the physical structure of what we’ve created as a dwelling together, but sometimes can be a point of great contention, great disagreement, and some misaligned expectations?
Victoria Duerstock: Well, absolutely. I mean, you, you just, you hit the nail on the head. We have expectations that have to be communicated and, and we don’t do either one really well. Because we, we think the expectations are kind of understood. I don’t know why I did, you know, I, I remember when we first got married, I had this idealic thing in my mind that it would just be like all the Christian romance novels, you know, I had read, which, you know, were very safe and sane, but you know, everybody talked at night and, you know, they got along swimmingly and there were never any arguments in any of those books. And so, you know, when, when that wasn’t real life, that was kind of a challenge, you know, that my expectations weren’t being met, but also my husband can’t read my mind. We’re very different people. And yet, for some reason, I still expect him to know what I’m thinking. And, and the reality is he’s not going to know what I’m thinking unless I express that in words. He can’t kind of dive in my brain and figure that out. And so learning to communicate, I think, is so essential in order to be able to work through the conflicts, we will eventually have. I mean, it’s not that you’re never going to have conflict. Bringing peace into our spaces doesn’t mean an absence of conflict. It just means we’ve been able to work through the differences. And I always go back to just believing the best in each other. I have to, at the end of the day, when conflict comes up or when I disagree or when I’m really like, I really don’t like this. Like, I’m really, really don’t like this. I have to stop and still say, I still believe the best about, about this man or this family member and say, you know, Lord, you’re going to have to do something here about this because we’re at an impasse possibly, and I need you to kind of intervene whether changing my heart, changing his heart, whatever we need to do. And, and it’s, so it’s a constant posture of saying like, I don’t have all the answers and I can’t force a solution, but the Lord is the one who can, and, and I’m going to bat at his will in whatever way that means. But that expectations can absolutely derail us, especially if we’re not carefully being clear and communicating exactly what we’re thinking exactly how we’re feeling. And sometimes we, you know, our spouse will think that we’re feeling a certain way about something. Cause we’re maybe we’re closed off or we’re not communicating or something. And, and for me usually that’s because I’m thinking about something else.
Like my brain is, is a hundred tabs away and doing something else. And so I seem like I’m closed off or I’m not communicating, or I’m not like, involved in whatever has been said, and it has nothing at all to do with that person. But that’s what kind of, what I’m communicating. So we have to just, we have you, right, like having a list. That’s perfect because we do need to talk about that. We first got married. Rob would come behind me and he cleaned counters off after I got done cleaning them. I have never just been so mortified and angry and my whole life. Like, like, do you really think that I did not clean the counter well enough? Like, you know, it was one of those things that we would just argue about and I would, he, and he, then he started waiting until I would leave the room and then he’d cleaned it up. I see you like that. And it is now one of those points that we laugh about, but early on, I was really just, I was really offended and I remember making meals every night, big meals every night.
And finally, like after a couple of months, can you stop? And I was like, no, that’s what I’m supposed to do. I’m supposed to feed you. He’s like, yeah, I’m going to gain like a thousand pounds. Can you not make a big meal every night? And, and so, but he waited cause he didn’t want to hurt my feelings and offend me and you know, it’s new and you’re trying to, but, but I think that when we do have these expectations, I’m supposed to do that because that was the way we were raised or that was the way that’s just what we have in our mind that that’s the expected. We do, we run into conflict, right?
Julie Lyles Carr: I love what you say that, you know, having peace in your home is not an absence of conflict. I think that’s a really important marker because we can do all the things and karate chop the pillows exactly right, and have the cutter out and think that this is going to stem that piece means there will be no conflict. And that it’s not really what peace means. Peace is about knowing how to live within that. Knowing how to create some borders around that, knowing how to create conversation and communication around that. So such a beautiful reminder that it’s not about trying to create the perfect palette and landscape, and therefore this will eliminate challenge, but it is about being intentional to try to do those things that do make us feel good. That do create an environment that is not chaotic. And at the same time, still continuing to develop those emotional and communication skills to really create the deepest form of peace. I just love that. Well, Victoria Duerstock, I’m so glad we finally had an opportunity to sit down and have a conversation.
We’ve got to have you back on the podcast again. Where can listeners go to find out more about you? Because my friend, you do so much, you write, you speak, you have social media management that you do. You have really robust social media channels that you’re always giving us great examples of how to express and communicate well. Where can listeners find you to find all that good stuff?
Victoria Duerstock: Sure. So, my website, VictoriaDuerstock.com, or heartandhomebooks.com is another great place to catch up on the Heart & Home series. Any of the socials I’m VDuerstock, first initial, last name, you should be able to find me on those. And yes, I’m, I’m trying to pop up around all the different places. So, you shouldn’t not have a hard time finding me.
Julie Lyles Carr: You are all over the place, my friend, you were all over the place. Well, the new book is called Guard Your Heart & Home. Congratulations on that, Victoria. So great to have you. And I know Rebecca will have all those links, all the good stuff in the show notes. And hey, friends, do me a really big favor, if you love today’s episode, go to wherever you download your podcasts and leave us a five-star review, and some good things to say, and you might just hear your quote repeated here on the AllMomDoes podcast, Victoria, thanks again.
Thank you so much, Julie. check out the show notes for all the links, info and other goodness from this week’s episode with a big thank you to our content coordinator, Rebecca. I’ve got a request, please go like, and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. It really does make a difference in helping other people find the show. And I’ll see you next week here at AllMomDoes podcast.