There’s not much to watch at 3 o’clock in the morning, especially when you have limited cable options. We are using Hulu’s streaming service and we actually love it. We get popular cable channels live for a much lower price than traditional cable offers. It’s great as long as you have fast Internet but that doesn’t mean there’s much on in the wee hours of the morning and lately, that’s when I’m awake.
I’m a nursing mom of a newborn that likes to feed about every 3 hours or so. I’m not one of those mothers that really enjoys nursing. I know many moms do and I wish I was the same but I’m basically on the brink of hating it. I feel more like a milk factory and it frustrates me that I can’t do anything while actually breastfeeding. I’m just kind of stuck there until my son is satisfied. He often eats for long segments of time. Sometimes all I can think about are all the things I need to be doing but can’t in that moment like switching clothes from the washer to the dryer or letting the dog outside. But nothing is worse to me than being woken up in the dead of night when I’m already tired.
There’s no snooze button for a newborn.
During this witching hour, I often have found myself nodding off while allowing my son to get his fill. This can be dangerous so I’ve had to come up with a plan to help. I sleep in the living room with the bassinet. The TV stays on all through the night. That way when he’s ready to go, I have something to focus on to stay awake. It may not be the best solution but it gets me through the night. In fact, the Kardashians often get me through the night.
Like I said before, there’s not much on at 3am in the morning. However, the Kardashians are and while I wouldn’t typically watch the show, it’s become a regular for me. I didn’t realize what an impact this show would have on my fragile self-image during these early post partum days.
I originally turned it on for something to watch only to find it’s permeated my thoughts. I think we can all easily admit that the Kardashian family is incredibly beautiful. Every single one of them seem no less than perfect. Their makeup, hair and bodies are always on point. But I’ve noticed that even when they don’t have makeup on, they remain gorgeous. I realize that they have a lot (I mean a lot) more money than I do which means they can afford personal trainers and top of the line beauty treatments. I also realize they have teams of people behind-the-scenes to style their hair and makeup. Never the less, seeing them on a daily basis has become damaging to how I view myself. I wish it weren’t true but I often let comparison plague my thoughts.
Here’s the deal: I’m a plus size woman. With my recent pregnancy, I’ve obviously gained even more weight. Right now I’m the biggest I’ve ever been. While I’ve spent years working on finding contentment with my plus size body, right now I feel delicate. I’ve still got a pregnancy belly and can’t fit into any of my regular clothes.
On top of this, I don’t get much sleep so I’ve decided to spend the time I have on either napping or taking care of the household. That means no makeup, which often is the bandage to my self-confidence. All of this is okay and expected. I’ve just had a baby so it’s important to give myself grace during this season of time. I know that no one would tell me any different. However, whenever I flip on my television, it seems like the Kardashians are telling me a different story.
I feel helpless that I have to wait a full 6 weeks before working out due to my c-section. I hate that I can’t greet my husband home from work in a nice outfit and full makeup. And then there’s the fact that even if I could, I’d never be able to hold up to their standard.
This is when the frustration comes in. As women, we often do this. We set a bar for ourselves that is way higher than we could ever imagine reaching. We want to be an amazing mother who is totally there for her children, a wife that keeps the house up, a co-worker that goes above and beyond and look dang hot while doing it all. There are just too many balls to juggle and when you step back, vanity is the only goal that is pure meaningless.
In a society where there is so much expected of us, we have to do ourselves the favor of prioritizing what is most important. While I’d love to have the flattest tummy in town, it just simply isn’t going to happen. But I can be the supportive wife my husband needs and a mother that has children that know they are loved unconditionally. I can cut myself some slack and realize that I can’t do it all and there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s what I want to encourage you with today.
Take a moment to celebrate all that you are and recognize what the Kardashian Komplex in your life happens to be. Don’t let it steal you away from the important things in life.
“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30