Am I Friends with My Kids? Yes and No.

There’s this ongoing debate about whether or not you can be friends with your kids. And for years, I was pretty firmly on the “no” side. But as my children get older and I take a step back and look a little closer at our current relationship, the answer’s a little less clear.

We enjoy spending time together.
We talk about things that matter.
We joke around.
We laugh. A lot.

There’s a lot about my relationship with my elementary-schooler and teenager that I’d classify as “friendship.” But at the end of the day, I’m still their mom.

And they know it.

And I think that’s the key. It’s not that I can’t be friends with my kids – but first and foremost, I have to be “mom.” I can’t choose to avoid parenting tasks because I’m afraid it will negatively affect our relationship, and my kids should never be surprised when I exercise my parental authority.

I don’t yell. But I’m firm with discipline. Actions have consequences; sometimes those consequences are natural, and sometimes they’re handed down by me.

My kids get mad at me. And I’m totally fine with that. I make an effort to connect with them when they get in trouble about why their behavior is inappropriate – but if they reject those attempts, it doesn’t hurt my feelings.

There’s clear separation between our friendship interactions and my mom responsibilities.

My kids understand that separation better now. It was more difficult when they were younger – and that’s understandable. It was confusing for their little brains when their strongest emotional connection in the world was suddenly a disciplinarian. But today, I’m happy to joyfully walk the line between friendship and parenthood.

With a few limits, of course:

1. We won’t be best friends. My kids deserve strong connections with peers, and so do I. It’s healthy and natural and, frankly, I don’t want to stunt their development by providing all of their emotional needs.

2. My kids aren’t expected to meet my emotional needs. That’s just not fair. If I’ve got a problem or something I’m worried about, there are appropriate ways to share them so kids can see healthy emotional modeling. But if I’m leaning on my kids for emotional support or giving them details about situations that aren’t appropriate, I’m handing them a weight they were never meant to carry.

3. I’ll never choose “friendship” over “parenting.” We can laugh and joke and have fun together but if something happens and you need discipline, I’m going to follow through. I’m not going to opt for permissive parenting for the sake of maintaining our relationship.

4. I won’t be hurt if my kids don’t share certain things with me. I’m in a few online groups and it’s full of mothers who thought they fostered a close relationship with their kids and were “devastated” (their words) when they found out their kids had a school crush they didn’t share with them or engaged in activities at friends’ houses that their parents probably wouldn’t have sanctioned. My take? If your feelings are that wrapped up in your relationship with your child and you’re heartbroken because you’re “not as close as you thought,” that’s enmeshment and it’s not healthy.

5. I’ll separate feeling from parenting. I’m sure that someday one of my kids will slam the door and tell me they hate me. And I’m also sure it will hurt my feelings and I’ll go to my husband and either sob uncontrollably or seethe with anger. But I won’t parent out of those feelings. Yes, I’ll eventually address how it made me feel, but I’m not going to yell and wail and give them a guilt trip when both of our emotions are running high.

6. My kids will never be surprised that I’m their parent. I hope my kids know they can talk to me about hard things, but they’ll also never be shocked when I take away privileges because they didn’t get their chores done. I will never delve so deep into my friendship with them that they think we live in an egalitarian household.

So do I think it’s possible to be friends with your kids? Yes and no. “Yes” in the sense that there’s a lot about the relationship that can resemble a friendship. But “no” in the sense that you can’t have the two-way emotional support of a typical, healthy friendship because a child was never meant to meet that need.

And also, because they still need a parent.

What do you think? Can you be friends with your kids? Why or why not?